Friday, August 11, 2006

My Favorite Wine

"I want to go to Miami Beach" Ok, seriously.

Way back when, on game day, to go with our Cheez-whiz in a can we’d fill our wineskins or bota bags with
M/D 20/20. Clearly the worst wine ever, but at least it was cheap. At about 2 bucks a pop back then, it was right up a poor college student’s alley. This nasty stuff now comes in eleventeen different flavors. In my day; two. Grape with a hint of nightmarish vomiting and a touch of kill-me-now-before-I-jump-off-the-roof headaches. And Lemon-Lime – only for the professional and you had to sign a waiver at the 7-11.

All this to say that I wouldn’t have thought that I would do what I did yesterday. I ordered a case of nice wine on-line. My wife and I had a couple of glasses at a restaurant and loved it. I’m not sure why, but nobody in the area carries. Even the winery is out. I found some 2002
Folie a Duex Cabernet at some online wine store out of Los Angeles. It wasn’t terribly expensive but the thought of identifying, locating and buying a case of wine seems so freaking far from throwing up purple madness on my tennis shoes 20 years ago.

This wine term makes me giggle –
Cork Taint

Hmmm, it must be happy hour somewhere. Ahoy! Cocktails on the horizon, Captain.

See you Monday

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Rules For Buckeye Fans

This list is not my original work though I'd like to claim much of it. I'm partial to the section spelling out when it is OK to shed a tear. More so, is the "Rest easy Woody, the New man has arrived." Which if memory serves is an actual quote from Keith Jackson after the Buckeyes took the National Championship away from Miami in the Fiesta Bowl. It still gives me goose bumps.

This list is longish, thankfully I don't pay for the server space. Go BUCKS! O-H!

- Never agree to get married on a Saturday Ohio State is scheduled to play football. There are typically 40 other freakin' weekends to choose from...make her/him choose one of those!
- Never attend a wedding during an Ohio State football game unless you carry a TV......and watch it even during the ceremony.
- It is OK to wear an OSU football jersey even when old....and fat....and bald. Extra points if you've got an OSU baseball cap on backwards.
- Always, and I mean ALWAYS, return any "O...H" with a hearty "I...O." This is true even during funerals, sex, in foreign countries or when witnessing the birth of your child.
- When Notre Dame plays Michigan, it is mandatory to despise both teams. There are no winners. Except the ambulance.
- You despise the following teams equally after scUM: Michigan,ND, USC, Miami (that's Florida), and Bama, FSU
- It is OK to be emotional (and even "tear" up) during the following:
* Script Ohio
* Your child's first Buckeye game
* Carmen Ohio
* During a Tressel speech
* Listening to "I want the Buckeyes"
* Remembering Woody
* After beating Michigan
* Winning the National Championship
* Hearing the phrase, "Rest easy Woody, the new man has arrived."
* Ramp entrance
- Never listen to Brett Musberger or Keith Jackson on TV. It's okay to watch the game while listening to 1460 on the radio.
- Always provide a loud “Go Bucks” when NFL Buckeyes state on MNF that they are from "THE" Ohio State University.
- It is not cool to make fun of the Neutron Man. Especially now that he is watching games with Woody.
- Buckeye necklaces must be worn at all times on game day from the time you leave your place of abode until you return.
- Always take off your hat during Carmen Ohio and physically remove the hats of anyone in your vicinity who fails to do so.
- Everyone should rush the field after an OSU home victory over Michigan at least once in their lifetime. (Extra kudos for those of you who rushed the field at IU and tore down THEIR goalposts a few years ago...c'mon you know who you are!).
- Attending Skull Session is mandatory at least once each season.
- ESPN employees must be verbally taunted at every opportunity.
- We must all pray that the next president of OSU has more of a clue than the present one.
-When you die, you must have at least one item of Buckeye memorabilia with you. (Specify which one in your will, that way your spouse won't pick something stupid).
- You must be willing to die to defend your right to drink beer during tailgates.
- You are forbidden to fall for the National Media crap sandwich that Joe Pa is still a "good guy." In reality, he is a bitter, senile old man reduced to a cheerleader and referee-baiter.
- Recruiting must be followed as intensely as any game. This is true even if it puts your job/career at risk.
- Attend the Spring Game. It makes it easier to survive the summer.
- When in church, it is not sacrilegious to count being a Buckeye as one of your blessings.
- Try to never boo a former or current Buckeye football player.
- When making fun of guys in marching bands always caveat your comments with a statement that, regardless of what you just said, anyone in TBDBITL is very cool.
- Admit that secretly, you wished you played tuba and could dot the "i." (Like my Dad did) You'd even be willing to put on a few dozen pounds to look the part. (Like my Dad did, sorry Dad couldn't help it.)
- You would not trade the opportunity to swill beer while listening to The Danger Brothers after an OSU victory over Michigan for tickets to any rock band that has ever existed.
- It is important to consider the "good old days" ARE NOW. Enjoy them even when OSU doesn't win the National Championship.
- Scarlet and Gray always works. Maize and Blue is always gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
- Drinking alcohol before 9:00 A.M. is, at best, immature, and likely, a sign of a serious problem. Except on game day.
- It is never ok to talk to a stranger at the urinal next to you unless he is dressed in OSU garb. That said, the topic should be limited to Buckeye football.
- There are no bad seats in OHIO Stadium.If you attend a game at Wisconsin, you must never engage in "Jump Around" at the end of the third quarter no matter how tempting.
- If your wife asks you what was the greatest night of your life, admit the truth that it was January 3, 2003.
- Plant a Buckeye tree in your yard.
- Hang a Buckeye flag on game day. If any of your neighbors counter with a Michigan flag, it is your solemn duty to tear it down and deface it anyway you see fit.
- It is "ok" to not get the drum major thing; it is "not ok" to fail to cheer when the plume touches the field.- In honor of Woody, the principle of "paying forward" should be practiced at all times by all Buckeyes.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Hey Mo! Nyuk Nyuk

Isn’t it sad how poor Maurice Clarett is being treated these days? Don’t Columbus’ Finest know that this kid is a star, a celebrity with rights and privileges not afforded to pedestrian shit-breathers like you and me? Where’s the love?

All my boy Mo did this time was….
· Make an illegal U-turn
· Headed out I-70 trying to outrun the cops.
· Another illegal U-turn on the highway.
· Damaged some city property when he bent some of the police spike strips with all four of his tires.
· Needed to be forcibly removed from his SUV after he refused to get out once stopped.
· Made the coppers use their mace on his crazy eyes.
· Kicking and screaming like a little bitch in the paddy wagon.
· Oh and possessing 4 (FOUR! QUATRO!) loaded weapons in the car and wearing a bullet proof vest.

Easy does it folks. Who hasn’t been there? Poor li'l Mo is the victim. If Jim Tressel would’ve just let Mo run roughshod over the OSU football program like he wanted, he wouldn’t be in this pickle right now. Of course the program would be in shambles and we’d be looking down the barrel of the NCAA Death Penalty, but if we could save just one kid isn’t it worth it? Isn't that what we are here for?

What was he preparing for? War? Four loaded weapons and a bulletproof vest? What the…..?

Two parting thoughts:

Maurice Clarett has lost whatever mind he had.

Jessica Simpson looks good in this dress

Monday, August 07, 2006

Open wide please

I have a new Ex-dentist because this guy scared me. He was nice enough and didn’t hurt me but he did say something shocking. I would’ve walked out right then but he and the hygienist sort of had me cornered. So what did he say?

“You can request tooth-colored filling material for your teeth, but I recommend Silver Amalgam. It’s much better.”

Let’s pretend for a second that there are no studies about this product at all. Cuz, there are. Why would anyone want to have a concoction of materials sitting in their mouth for eons that is more than 50% Mercury? The same kind of Mercury that is one of the most toxic materials on earth? If you spill more Mercury than would be contained in a standard thermometer, the EPA says you have to contact the State Environmental authorities, if it’s a tablespoon or two, call the Feds. Remember “Mad as a Hatter?” It refers to mercury poisoning that was common amoung hat makers who used it to for making chapeaus. So tell me again why it’s ok to store this crap in my cake-hole.

Note: I think it is pretty clear why they’re called “Silver Filling,” because they probably wouldn’t sell very well if they were called Mercury Poisoning Fillings)

I know I have a choice not to get the silver fillings when the time comes. What really bugged me about this dentist is that he is STILL recommending them. As if enough doubt hasn’t been cast to just stop using them and go with something else. Oh, to be sure you will find studies stating that nothing has ever been found counter-indicating the use of Mercury fillings. There loads to the contrary too. But if it doesn’t come from the ADA or the FDA they don’t count with most dentists. I wouldn’t expect much to come from the ADA on the subject since they invented the filling material. Imagine the lawsuits that would be filed if the ADA came out and said, “oops, sorry, we been poisoning you and you kids for years and years. Please don’t be mad at us.”

I’ve got more to say about this and Dentists in general, but will rest for now.

Please pass the Syrup

Funnel Cakes are apparently not just for the State Fair and toothless carnies anymore. IHOP is promoting the hell out of these on radio and TV. Funnel Cakes? For breakfast? Holy moly, are you kidding? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pretentious food guy or the healthiest eater around but this is not a part of your healthy breakfast. Further than that, they should probably come with a warning label. “Eating funnel cakes any more than once every year or two, especially for breakfast at IHOP, will cause you to wear stretch pants 3 sizes too small, store your washer and dryer on the front porch of the double wide and believe the WWE Wrastlin' is real.

I’m not saying that IHOP is irresponsible, but I’d like to introduce them to RJ Reynolds. Maybe they can come up with some new products together. Perhaps the “IHOP Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity, flavored Kiddie smokes.” Try the Strawberry!