We Are Football Angels

So I get this call from a loyal PK Kool-Aid drinking sycophant on Christmas day. (He really didn’t want to be directly quoted herewith so that’s why “sycophant” makes me giggle.) So anyway, Jim Unnamed Source tells me

"Why do these dumb-ass kids always have to F things up so bad? Pittman and Wells (the good one) were at a goddamn fundraiser last night. A fundraiser!? Are you freaking kidding me? It’s pounded into their heads not to do shit like this. It’s pounded into their parent’s heads too. Dammit. I’m hung over. Pass the Absolut Citron. Shit.”

Bottom line is that we were all at least a little worried that these two kids were going to get suspended for the NC. Thanks to a quick thinking fundraiser attendee, a call to the coaching staff was made and the alarms went off. The players and their families took no money instead donating it the local peewee football program.

The aforementioned dumbasses have been cleared and will play in Arizona. Whew. That was a close one. Maybe tOSU should use some of the bajillion dollars the football program produces to provide 24/7 chaperones for these kids. Or perhaps they could invent a sub dermal chip that detects an impending illegal payment and delivers the player enough volts to make them lose all bowel control immediately with the force of a raging river.

If I don’t make it back here before, Happy New Year to you all. Have fun, be safe.

(HT:11W & MotSaG)

Yule Log...Giggle

I think that we can all agree that Santa is magic. Can’t we? Covering the world in such a short time with a bag full of goods for brats worldwide. So if he’s magic, instead of going to all that trouble why can’t he just twinkle his veiny red nose and make it happen while sitting on his fat derriere drinking very strong cocktails of the bourbon variety….

Speaking of that, I’m on my way home shortly to start a weekend of very similar activities. I’ll manage to keep my shit together well enough at the requisite family functions, but just barely.

Anyway. I’ll do my best to check in over the weekend. Here’s wishing you and yours a very merry and safe Christmas. May the cocktails be plentiful, your teams cover the spread, your stockings be stuffed and your annoying relatives stranded in Denver. Cheers to you all.

Go Buckeyes.

tOSU hoops by 10 over the Gators

Note: Coming next week, I’ll unveil some plans for a new sports-o-tainment blog for ’07 that some buddies and I are doing. (TR & Buffington, I’ll holla) Don’t worry Deadspin or Kissing Suzy, you guys are probably safe. For now, MAWAHAHAHAH!

Donald Trump is Honorable, Giver.

I would officially like to thank The Donald for giving Miss USA Tara Connor a second chance. She’d been running around acting like every 20-year-old, super-nova hot pageant winner should; Drinking and cavorting until all hours of the Manhattan morning with her roommate. Note: Her roommate is none other than 18-year-old, super-nova hot Miss Teen USA winner Katie Blair.

Seems that Tara was seen pounding down drinks and making out with Katie at NYC hot spots. RAWR. They were also seen dancing provocatively on the tables and carrying out other humanitarian and valorous activities. If this isn’t upholding the duties and conduct required of their respective crowns, then I don’t want to know what those are.

Maybe The Donald can help us out and combine the competitions into one broadcast next year. We’ll have the standard talent, swimsuit and evening gown segments, but then we can integrate a portion of the evening that I’d call something like: Miss USA and Miss Teen contestants pair off, pound a couple glasses of wine, have a pillow fight and let’s just see where this thing goes.” I’ll work on the title, but the concept – Solid.

I tip my hat to you Donald, and I thank you. I’ll be sitting right here at my desk for the next several minutes or so if you need me. I can’t really get up. Know what I mean?

Touching the Buckeye Base today.
Count down to the Desert – 18 days (20 ‘til kick)

Buckeye Basketball
The Buckeyes put the wood to the Iowa State Cyclones by 20 tonight. Grown-Ass Man Greg Oden gets one more tune up game before letting the defending national chumps, Florida, have a piece. That tennis player’s kid, Noah, is going to take one look at Oden and wish he had a spot on the Gator tennis team. Like ball washer. Update: With Leather also weighs in on the equine unit of Oden.

PK

Stuff and such

I’m going to use the same excuse used by so many for why I haven’t posted since –gasp-- last week. “Hey Man, you know, it’s the holidays. It’s been crazy with all the shopping and holiday parties, scouring the house for re-gifting ideas, and main-lining eggnog.” It’s all a lie, but it sounds good. This, so far, has been a fairly low maintenance Christmas season. My lack of production herein is due to the fact of me being one lazy SOB. I’m just sort of biding my time until the Mrs. and I venture to the desert for the Championship. I plan to step it up as we draw closer to that glorious day. I might even bust off some on-sight reporting. “Reporting live from Tempe embedded with these other drunk assholes, I’m Mr. Penalty Kill.” Anyone else going?

Just a few items to amuse and/or annoy you. (read: fill space. So sue me)

Genius

It is highly questionable to go to an art museum with your buddies. Unless, of course you plan on looking for sublime photo-ops such as this. Turning a painting of JC into a YMCA cheer is beautiful beyond words. With fellows like this looking for these types of opportunities, I submit we are all winners.


Dear Santa

Maybe Papa Noel will bring you one of these for Christmas. Note to Mrs. PK, I’m just joking! Who would really want that? I mean come on. (Believable?)




Haiku for you

Fellow Buckeye Fans
See you in Arizona
We’ll skin Gators

PK out.

Slacker

I was going to write about this too. Problem is that sometimes I'm about as quick on the trigger as Charlie Weis is on a treadmill. So I’ll let some other folks comment on Brady “I so want to be like dreamboat Tom Brady but I fear my love for wearing pink lace panties and stalking Liza Minelli might hold me back” Quinn winning the Maxwell Award for football player of the year over the deserved winner, your Troy Smith.

As always MotSaG is right there with the goods.

Eleven Warriors, POJO have nice recaps of this award and others.

But I REALLY like this one. The boys over a The M Zone have a take too. These guys love to bash on tOSU for being overly rednecked, overly mustached, overly beered, overly everything. But they are usually funny and have this one right.

Someday I would really like to grow up and be a quick, on-the-money, diligent blogger like these guys. I’d also really like to see a picture of Hillary Clinton shaving her testicles too. I doubt either will happen. (heads up IndyBuckeye)



Heisman
If things go like planned tomorrow, Troy Smith will hear something like this: Here’s your trophy, you freaking badass. Please strike a pretty pose for your complimentary portrait, or a pose of you pretending to do the crazy Smack Dat Ass dance on LLLLLLoyd Carr. Please take your place in history. Congratulations young man you’ve done well.

Lurking in the corner

I’m not sure what the talk in Central Ohio is, but I can tell you what it’s like out here in the hinterlands. It’s non-stop talk about who is playing Ohio State in the National Championship, or who should be. “Wishigan is the 2nd best team in the country and should get a second chance.” Or “Florida has earned the right to take a crack at Ohio State.” Blah Blah Blah. It’s a rare conversation that includes any more talk about the Buckeyes than them being the other team. Oh and that Meatchicken came in to Columbus and only lost by 3 points to the number 1 team on a very hostile home field. You know what? This is fine with me. I hope that this talk continues for 34 more days.

Please, oh great and wise pundits, forget that Ohio State is a great team and is waiting quietly over in the corner, shining up the ball gag and putting sand in the Vaseline. Just drooling over the chance to cram about 50 points into Urban Meyer’s balloon-knot. (that’s for you POON)

We’ve got so much time to fold spindle and mutilate the stats of these two teams, I’ll save that for later. Just keep talking about Florida and who is not there. Please.


On a personal note: My family lost our matriarch yesterday. A vibrant lady who never had a cross word for anyone. Her version of the “F-word” was "fiddlesticks." She was 90 years old and lived a great life for all but about two months of them. We’ll miss her. I’m using this forum to mention Grandma not for sympathy comments but to say this (actually taking a cue from Mrs. PK.) Be sure to tell your loved ones that they are indeed loved ones, and do it often. Here ends the sappy portion of tonight’s broadcast.



To liven up this thing up and end on a high, I’ll leave you with a punchline from one of my favorite jokes.

“Know it?! I wrote the Mother Fu....!”

leave me comment if you need the first part of the joke. loser.

It's official

I SUCK.

Way to go Penalty Kill. Good job on early calling the dumbass Trojans. Shit.

GO Florida.

Man, Do I Blow.

Reporting from the field

I’m Penalty Kill reporting from points foreign. Today, Orlando. These people (read…Hill Jack F’s with about as many teeth as Troy Smith has interceptions on the season) keep talking some silly shit, but I digress.

Anyway, I’m on the road again and these dumbasses want to see a rematch. Fuck that! Come on, I’m in Florida. How ‘bout talking about your precious Gaytors getting a piece of the Buckeyes. Why do these Jerry Springer Fluffers want to see a G#$ D&^% rematch?

Please won’t someone do something to finalize the other spot in the National Championship already? I’m tired of waiting. Mrs. PK is tired of waiting. The dogs of Mr. & Mrs. PK are tired of waiting. We are ticketed and paid up for gosh dang Glendale, let’s get on with this bitch already.

Jeez! Just sayin'

With that said, Fight on USC, Fight on.

Not that I want my Buckeyes to face you specifically. Just saying.

No Blue. Really NO Blue.

Your Booty Stinks

Since Surfer Pete and his ribbed for her pleasure Trojans are a formality away from a return visit to the National Championship, let’s start looking at Southern Cal. I’m pretty sure I’m not jinxing them. They’re 2 touchdown favorites over cross-town rivals, UCLA. The Westwood Blue Boys ripped off an impressive 4 straight conference losses mid year before pulling their season out of the ditch, to a current 6-5. To be fair they are coming off a road win at ASU and prior to that a Bobby Brown on Whitney Houston bitch slapping of Oregon State. The same Oregon State that beat USC. I know the USC fan will say it was only a scoreboard victory and that the refs had something to do with it. Scoreboard. Having said all that, I think this weekend’s game at the Rose Bowl will be more like the 66-19 of a year ago than the closer games in years before.

So it’s certainly not too early to start with the “Booty” jokes in honor of Southern Cal QB, J. D. Booty. Please join in the fun. I’ll start. Let’s see….how ‘bout.

Buckeyes make a Booty call.

Or perhaps

Surfer Pete puts his Booty in motion



Your turn. I didn't want to take all the good ones. I'm cool like that.

Ok trojanhorse, game on.

Job opening

Looks like the U will be searching for a new warden/zoo keeper/truant officer/scumbag wrangler. They dumped Head Coach Larry Coker today. I'm pretty sure he'll look back on this and wonder just how in the world he got out of there alive. I hear that he is now looking for a much easier job than trying to guide those criminals, like Killer Whale Proctologist

SWEET

Too far ahead of the National Championship game to be a jinx.

Troy, Next stop New York City. Bring it home.

I am insane now

Seriously. I’m a freaking nutbag. We’ve been in God’s country for a little more than a day now and I can’t take it anymore. So this one will be short and sweet.

My boy DER, one of the biggest Buckeye fans I know and consummate pessimist has tOSU losing tomorrow. Stating that scUM’s defensive front four will be able to pressure Troy Smith on their own leaving the rest of the ugly-uniformed-yellow-pants-wearin’-stupid-winged-helmet-mother-f…to lock down the rest of the Buckeye’s offense. Also, between the double threat of Hart and Henne to Manningham, our defense that hasn’t really been tested will give up several big plays. He’s saying something like 24 –13. He’s very knowledgeable about the topic, but here’s the good news. He always has the Buckeye’s losing. Every game this year, save for a couple like Illinois and NW, he’s had Ohio State coming up short. It’s how he rolls.

So this is good news. I’ll take the Bucks. Give me strong performances by Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith (and his feet), Gonzo, Robiskie, Pittman and Beanie Wells (who will hold on to the ball.) Meatchicken’s offense will rue the day that they ever heard the names Laurinaitis, Gohlston, Pitcock and Antonio Smith. GOLD PANTS BABY! YEAH!

It is with that I say "someone get me a drink and a dark closet where I can sit and rock back and forth in while mumbling, 'thank God it’s not John Cooper, thank God it’s not John Coop…..'"

I can’t take it.

The Ohio State University – 34
the scUM – 17

“So let’s win that old conference now.”

GO BUCKEYES BEAT BLUE

The Game Week & Stuff

So much for "stepping it up" during Meatchicken Week like I had hoped. Facts are that I, like many others, am starting to lose my damn mind over this game. Actually work is benefiting from this. Strange as it may seem, pouring myself into my job is keeping my mind occupied. I know. Concentrating on work. Crazy shit huh?

So I’m taking this little break to give you what I know you’ve been longing for. You’ve been saying, ‘What pray tell does the venerable Penalty Kill have to say about The Game.’ First of all, get a hold of yourself.

I’ve got a just few items for you.

Please check out The Buckeye Expat for some strong comparisons between QBs and others. This is how pregame analysis is supposed to be done. Based on these numbers I’m hoping it comes down to the quarterbacks. By the way, thanks to the miracle of html, links, internet, whatever, I don’t have to try to churn this kind of work out.

Next: So the Buckeyes are supposed to win this thing. The line is 6 ½. Seems like a crapload of points to have to give up. Normally home field advantage in college football is worth 2 – 3 points. This isn’t normally though. If I were really great at this blogging thing, I’d go find out how the road underdog has done in this rivalry. Just saying, seems like a lot.

Item third: I know I took some playful jabs at Columbus recently but I’m getting tired of hearing how awful our fans are. Yes I’ve seen some bad behavior. In the past I might have been less than a gracious host. But it can’t be the majority, as folks seem to think it is, can it? My request of you, Buckeye Fan, is if you see anyone acting like an asshole. Say something to them like, “Knock it off, jackass. Act you belong here.” I promise you, I will. There are lots of folks that will be doing the same thing. We may not lose the reputation, but we can do our best to make it a false one.

Last: The lovely Mrs. PK and I are leaving tomorrow for Columbus. I can’t wait to get back home to feel the vibe of the city as this game approaches. I’ll also need that time to fill up bags with feces and urine to fling at unsuspecting Meeeshigan fans on Saturday. Oh wait, scratch that.

GO BUCKEYES – Beat blue.

Pre NU and stuff

Here’s a picture of a football coach. Instead of some generic dad who coaches his kid's Pop Warner team imagine that he’s Illinois head coach Ron Zook. And instead of having a handful of that kid’s jersey pretend he’s got GIANT bags of money ready to hand out to great receivers from across the damn country. Seen over on Deadspin this afternoon is this story about one Arrelious Benn. Highly sought after high school baller from D.C. Rivals.com has him ranked as the #1 receiver and 9th over-all playah. Trying to pick between ND and FSU. Illinois Arrelious? Really? It is with raised eyebrows (I wish I could do the one raised eyebrow trick like Mr. Spock) that I question his decision. Oh sure, Illinois is a program on the rise with a solid future ahead of them……Blah freaking Blah. The Candyman has come to Arrelious with open wallet. Just sayin’.

The Aforementioned Pregame Entry Commenceth.

Northwestern huh? Ryan Field in suburban Chicago. Ohio State is favored by twenty-something. Give the points to whomever will take them. This, dear reader, is going to be what I like to call an Ass Whoopin. Even Tressel-ball won’t be able to slow our boys down.

Butkus Award finalist and tattooed badass James “My dad isn’t the only one who can do an atomic elbow drop off the top turnbuckle” Laurinaitis will score. As will my boy Antonio Smith. That’s 2 TDs for the defense.

Take it to the bank. Plus, if I’m wrong, I can always just come back and edit this later.

tOSU – 38
NU – 10


Ok, Stop with the bald kitty jokes. You're better than that.

My Bitches and Homeys

Since I’m relatively new to your nation of Blogastavia, I will tell you a couple of the things that I have learned. I have learned to plagiarize if possible and post anonymously when saying something provocative, among many other things. One of the things I have missed the boat on however is posting a Blog roll (Or a list of folks out there that I feel the need to tip my hat to.) These folks all get nearly daily visits from me and deserve to get visits from many more folks. My intention is to try to keep up with these guys after football season is complete. You know tOSU has a little basketball team we might like to follow, etc. But if, by chance, I peter out like Pee Wee Herman at a Jenna Jameson Festival, these boys won’t miss a beat. Budump shoosh. Thank you, Thank you. I’ll be here all week, try the veal.

In no particular order - click here or over here on the right-->
MotSaG
Death Cab For Woody
Double Deuce
BBC
Eleven Warriors
POJO Dojo
Buckeye Blog
The 614
The Buckeye Expat
Around the Oval
PFEF
My Casual Thoughts
Buckeye Commentary

I’ll do a little pregame tomorrow for Northwestern. I sure hope the team cares a hell of a lot more than I do. The Mrs. and I head to C-bus in less than a week and it’s about all I can think about. Thanks again.

Go Buckeyes.

We kick Morgantown's ass

All right, there. I said it. I'm tired of defending Columbus. We are without a doubt the best couch-burning-riot-having-redneck-town ever. Morgantown, WV? Please. What other city prepares for the biggest battle since they started making footballs oblong by deputizing the garbage collectors as Couch Sheriffs? So here’s to you, denizens of our fair burg. You make a man proud. From the Dogpatch:

If trash collectors spot a couch, they are asked to call code-enforcement officers. More than 200 citations have been issued since a citywide ban on porch couches began 17 months ago, said Development Director Mark Barbash.

Also. I can’t find this on youtube.com so go to this enemy site and watch a clip from the Daily Show, when they were at The Ohio State University. Funny stuff.

That's what she said

The beautiful Mrs. Penalty Kill has been to exactly two college football games in the entirety of her young life. First, the glorious Ohio State win over hated Miami in the National Championship Game. I mean this was her first college football game EVER. What a way to start. (side note: I rock. I know this because I took my then girlfriend to a game like that. I know. Total badass.)

And the second one was…you ask? Texas at Ohio State. (See the above statement about my badassedness and replace “girlfriend” with “wife.”)

Since then she’s started to watch a lot of the games and has really begun to get into it. For getting such a late start, she’s becoming quite the college football fan. Even to the point of watching games not involving tOSU. I’ve said all this just to set up that she’s pretty new at this. Agreed? Good.

As you may have read earlier I was out of town this weekend and had to get some updates via telephone from her. It was with a fair amount of pride and a roughly equal part recoil I heard her say,

“Ohio State looks like shit!” (Paraphrasing a bit from here on.) “Troy Smith looks like shit, plus that kid you like so much #28, fumbled and looks like shit.” “They’re letting Illinois stay in this game.” “I thought Illinois was supposed to suck.” “Tressel better let these kids know that there is another game between now and the game that they are obviously thinking about right now.” “If they play like this against Michigan, we’re going to get our asses kicked.” “Hey look, there’s a sale at Penney’s”

My only point here is that if she can see it so plainly then it must be true. The Buckeyes escaped Champagne-Urbana (dumb name) with their lives. And clearly looked "like shit."

As my boy DER said, it is like we went from two eventualities – a 13th game and a Heisman for TS – to none. I really hope Troy has a couple of very strong games and gets his Trophy and that this game didn't hurt him too badly. Though, I'm sure every QB winner has had a questionable game along the way. As for the other, our Buckeyes need to heed my bride’s advice…Get your shit together, kick Northwestern’s asses until they’re purple, then get pumped for UM, and finally never wear horizontal stripes if you are a large woman. All very sound, I think.

I plan to be kicking it up a notch over the next week so check back soon. That is until we leave Texas for Columbus next Wednesday. GO BUCKS.

Illinois Pre-game

Once again, I'm having to miss a game due to work. What the....? It's really starting to get my bloomers in a bunch. I'm out in Seattle, (the land of DeathCab, sup dude?) which means there are football games on at 9:ooam. Which normally would blow, but since I'm not able to see much football this weekend I'll take what I can get. Even if it is Wishconsin v State Penn or Texas Tech v. Baylor.

Two side notes. If you haven't looked into the kook that is Mike Leach the head coach of Texas Tech yet. Do your funny bone a favor and check him out. He is more than just a creator of one of the most tricked up crazy-assed teams you'll see but he's a huge fan of pirates. That's a lower case "p." Not the Pittsburgh baseball team or anything like that he's a fan of the old school "Arrrrrgggghhh, Shiver me timbers you scallawag" type pirate. In fact each off season he chooses to learn about some other topic. Such as Geronimo, Daniel Boone, whales, chimpanzees, grizzly bears. This dude cracks me up.

Second side note. I just saw the Nissan commercial about the Heisman Trophy. The Buckeye Blog had a week or so ago, but I must've missed it. I like it a lot. But our mascot isn't really very tough so they just had to make is as big as former planet Pluto and roll over everyone. Not a bad analogy by Nissan, but sometimes I do wish we had a tougher mascot. Like Indiana, er uh, oh hell. Watch the video.










OSU - 39
Ill - 10

This just in.

Looks like Sparty is sick and tired of having a crappy football team. So instead of shit-canning the entire program like they should they are taking the easy way out.

The are firing J. L. Smith today effective at the end of the season.

I sorta called this, which makes me pretty smart. Not really, I just like seeing that in print. I'll go off line now and write some more really cool crap about myself.

Rock the vote

Go here - Vote for Troy – and do your duty as a Buckeye. If you aren’t a Buckeye do it anyway. As Wilford Brimley once said, “it’s the right thing to do.” It doesn’t matter if he was talking about Quaker Oats or snuffing out Tom Cruise, I think it translates here.

Here’s the skinny. (I didn’t know this or at least didn’t remember.) In 1999, The Heisman Trophy folks decided to develop a “special program” to allow we, the huddled masses, to have a say in the vote. Pretty cool, huh? We get one. ONE! We don’t each get one -- we get to share one. So why not have our guy win that one vote? Last I checked, somewhere around 100,000 votes have been cast and TS is getting the shit kicked out of him by that kid at WVU by like 500%. He’s number two but barely ahead of future bikini model, Brady Quinn. Heck even the Mormons have revved up their PCs at the Tabernacle and put their guy in 4th.

Let’s help pull this thing out of the ditch. Pass the word around. Thanks to The Buckeye Blog for the heads up.

The ballot is supposed to be set up so you can only vote once per week, but if you clear out your cookies/history you can keep voting.

By the way -- One more Heisman Trophy for the Buckeyes and they’ll be tied for the lead with ND and USC with 7.