It's official

I SUCK.

Way to go Penalty Kill. Good job on early calling the dumbass Trojans. Shit.

GO Florida.

Man, Do I Blow.

Reporting from the field

I’m Penalty Kill reporting from points foreign. Today, Orlando. These people (read…Hill Jack F’s with about as many teeth as Troy Smith has interceptions on the season) keep talking some silly shit, but I digress.

Anyway, I’m on the road again and these dumbasses want to see a rematch. Fuck that! Come on, I’m in Florida. How ‘bout talking about your precious Gaytors getting a piece of the Buckeyes. Why do these Jerry Springer Fluffers want to see a G#$ D&^% rematch?

Please won’t someone do something to finalize the other spot in the National Championship already? I’m tired of waiting. Mrs. PK is tired of waiting. The dogs of Mr. & Mrs. PK are tired of waiting. We are ticketed and paid up for gosh dang Glendale, let’s get on with this bitch already.

Jeez! Just sayin'

With that said, Fight on USC, Fight on.

Not that I want my Buckeyes to face you specifically. Just saying.

No Blue. Really NO Blue.

Your Booty Stinks

Since Surfer Pete and his ribbed for her pleasure Trojans are a formality away from a return visit to the National Championship, let’s start looking at Southern Cal. I’m pretty sure I’m not jinxing them. They’re 2 touchdown favorites over cross-town rivals, UCLA. The Westwood Blue Boys ripped off an impressive 4 straight conference losses mid year before pulling their season out of the ditch, to a current 6-5. To be fair they are coming off a road win at ASU and prior to that a Bobby Brown on Whitney Houston bitch slapping of Oregon State. The same Oregon State that beat USC. I know the USC fan will say it was only a scoreboard victory and that the refs had something to do with it. Scoreboard. Having said all that, I think this weekend’s game at the Rose Bowl will be more like the 66-19 of a year ago than the closer games in years before.

So it’s certainly not too early to start with the “Booty” jokes in honor of Southern Cal QB, J. D. Booty. Please join in the fun. I’ll start. Let’s see….how ‘bout.

Buckeyes make a Booty call.

Or perhaps

Surfer Pete puts his Booty in motion



Your turn. I didn't want to take all the good ones. I'm cool like that.

Ok trojanhorse, game on.

Job opening

Looks like the U will be searching for a new warden/zoo keeper/truant officer/scumbag wrangler. They dumped Head Coach Larry Coker today. I'm pretty sure he'll look back on this and wonder just how in the world he got out of there alive. I hear that he is now looking for a much easier job than trying to guide those criminals, like Killer Whale Proctologist

SWEET

Too far ahead of the National Championship game to be a jinx.

Troy, Next stop New York City. Bring it home.

I am insane now

Seriously. I’m a freaking nutbag. We’ve been in God’s country for a little more than a day now and I can’t take it anymore. So this one will be short and sweet.

My boy DER, one of the biggest Buckeye fans I know and consummate pessimist has tOSU losing tomorrow. Stating that scUM’s defensive front four will be able to pressure Troy Smith on their own leaving the rest of the ugly-uniformed-yellow-pants-wearin’-stupid-winged-helmet-mother-f…to lock down the rest of the Buckeye’s offense. Also, between the double threat of Hart and Henne to Manningham, our defense that hasn’t really been tested will give up several big plays. He’s saying something like 24 –13. He’s very knowledgeable about the topic, but here’s the good news. He always has the Buckeye’s losing. Every game this year, save for a couple like Illinois and NW, he’s had Ohio State coming up short. It’s how he rolls.

So this is good news. I’ll take the Bucks. Give me strong performances by Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith (and his feet), Gonzo, Robiskie, Pittman and Beanie Wells (who will hold on to the ball.) Meatchicken’s offense will rue the day that they ever heard the names Laurinaitis, Gohlston, Pitcock and Antonio Smith. GOLD PANTS BABY! YEAH!

It is with that I say "someone get me a drink and a dark closet where I can sit and rock back and forth in while mumbling, 'thank God it’s not John Cooper, thank God it’s not John Coop…..'"

I can’t take it.

The Ohio State University – 34
the scUM – 17

“So let’s win that old conference now.”

GO BUCKEYES BEAT BLUE

The Game Week & Stuff

So much for "stepping it up" during Meatchicken Week like I had hoped. Facts are that I, like many others, am starting to lose my damn mind over this game. Actually work is benefiting from this. Strange as it may seem, pouring myself into my job is keeping my mind occupied. I know. Concentrating on work. Crazy shit huh?

So I’m taking this little break to give you what I know you’ve been longing for. You’ve been saying, ‘What pray tell does the venerable Penalty Kill have to say about The Game.’ First of all, get a hold of yourself.

I’ve got a just few items for you.

Please check out The Buckeye Expat for some strong comparisons between QBs and others. This is how pregame analysis is supposed to be done. Based on these numbers I’m hoping it comes down to the quarterbacks. By the way, thanks to the miracle of html, links, internet, whatever, I don’t have to try to churn this kind of work out.

Next: So the Buckeyes are supposed to win this thing. The line is 6 ½. Seems like a crapload of points to have to give up. Normally home field advantage in college football is worth 2 – 3 points. This isn’t normally though. If I were really great at this blogging thing, I’d go find out how the road underdog has done in this rivalry. Just saying, seems like a lot.

Item third: I know I took some playful jabs at Columbus recently but I’m getting tired of hearing how awful our fans are. Yes I’ve seen some bad behavior. In the past I might have been less than a gracious host. But it can’t be the majority, as folks seem to think it is, can it? My request of you, Buckeye Fan, is if you see anyone acting like an asshole. Say something to them like, “Knock it off, jackass. Act you belong here.” I promise you, I will. There are lots of folks that will be doing the same thing. We may not lose the reputation, but we can do our best to make it a false one.

Last: The lovely Mrs. PK and I are leaving tomorrow for Columbus. I can’t wait to get back home to feel the vibe of the city as this game approaches. I’ll also need that time to fill up bags with feces and urine to fling at unsuspecting Meeeshigan fans on Saturday. Oh wait, scratch that.

GO BUCKEYES – Beat blue.

Pre NU and stuff

Here’s a picture of a football coach. Instead of some generic dad who coaches his kid's Pop Warner team imagine that he’s Illinois head coach Ron Zook. And instead of having a handful of that kid’s jersey pretend he’s got GIANT bags of money ready to hand out to great receivers from across the damn country. Seen over on Deadspin this afternoon is this story about one Arrelious Benn. Highly sought after high school baller from D.C. Rivals.com has him ranked as the #1 receiver and 9th over-all playah. Trying to pick between ND and FSU. Illinois Arrelious? Really? It is with raised eyebrows (I wish I could do the one raised eyebrow trick like Mr. Spock) that I question his decision. Oh sure, Illinois is a program on the rise with a solid future ahead of them……Blah freaking Blah. The Candyman has come to Arrelious with open wallet. Just sayin’.

The Aforementioned Pregame Entry Commenceth.

Northwestern huh? Ryan Field in suburban Chicago. Ohio State is favored by twenty-something. Give the points to whomever will take them. This, dear reader, is going to be what I like to call an Ass Whoopin. Even Tressel-ball won’t be able to slow our boys down.

Butkus Award finalist and tattooed badass James “My dad isn’t the only one who can do an atomic elbow drop off the top turnbuckle” Laurinaitis will score. As will my boy Antonio Smith. That’s 2 TDs for the defense.

Take it to the bank. Plus, if I’m wrong, I can always just come back and edit this later.

tOSU – 38
NU – 10


Ok, Stop with the bald kitty jokes. You're better than that.

My Bitches and Homeys

Since I’m relatively new to your nation of Blogastavia, I will tell you a couple of the things that I have learned. I have learned to plagiarize if possible and post anonymously when saying something provocative, among many other things. One of the things I have missed the boat on however is posting a Blog roll (Or a list of folks out there that I feel the need to tip my hat to.) These folks all get nearly daily visits from me and deserve to get visits from many more folks. My intention is to try to keep up with these guys after football season is complete. You know tOSU has a little basketball team we might like to follow, etc. But if, by chance, I peter out like Pee Wee Herman at a Jenna Jameson Festival, these boys won’t miss a beat. Budump shoosh. Thank you, Thank you. I’ll be here all week, try the veal.

In no particular order - click here or over here on the right-->
MotSaG
Death Cab For Woody
Double Deuce
BBC
Eleven Warriors
POJO Dojo
Buckeye Blog
The 614
The Buckeye Expat
Around the Oval
PFEF
My Casual Thoughts
Buckeye Commentary

I’ll do a little pregame tomorrow for Northwestern. I sure hope the team cares a hell of a lot more than I do. The Mrs. and I head to C-bus in less than a week and it’s about all I can think about. Thanks again.

Go Buckeyes.

We kick Morgantown's ass

All right, there. I said it. I'm tired of defending Columbus. We are without a doubt the best couch-burning-riot-having-redneck-town ever. Morgantown, WV? Please. What other city prepares for the biggest battle since they started making footballs oblong by deputizing the garbage collectors as Couch Sheriffs? So here’s to you, denizens of our fair burg. You make a man proud. From the Dogpatch:

If trash collectors spot a couch, they are asked to call code-enforcement officers. More than 200 citations have been issued since a citywide ban on porch couches began 17 months ago, said Development Director Mark Barbash.

Also. I can’t find this on youtube.com so go to this enemy site and watch a clip from the Daily Show, when they were at The Ohio State University. Funny stuff.

That's what she said

The beautiful Mrs. Penalty Kill has been to exactly two college football games in the entirety of her young life. First, the glorious Ohio State win over hated Miami in the National Championship Game. I mean this was her first college football game EVER. What a way to start. (side note: I rock. I know this because I took my then girlfriend to a game like that. I know. Total badass.)

And the second one was…you ask? Texas at Ohio State. (See the above statement about my badassedness and replace “girlfriend” with “wife.”)

Since then she’s started to watch a lot of the games and has really begun to get into it. For getting such a late start, she’s becoming quite the college football fan. Even to the point of watching games not involving tOSU. I’ve said all this just to set up that she’s pretty new at this. Agreed? Good.

As you may have read earlier I was out of town this weekend and had to get some updates via telephone from her. It was with a fair amount of pride and a roughly equal part recoil I heard her say,

“Ohio State looks like shit!” (Paraphrasing a bit from here on.) “Troy Smith looks like shit, plus that kid you like so much #28, fumbled and looks like shit.” “They’re letting Illinois stay in this game.” “I thought Illinois was supposed to suck.” “Tressel better let these kids know that there is another game between now and the game that they are obviously thinking about right now.” “If they play like this against Michigan, we’re going to get our asses kicked.” “Hey look, there’s a sale at Penney’s”

My only point here is that if she can see it so plainly then it must be true. The Buckeyes escaped Champagne-Urbana (dumb name) with their lives. And clearly looked "like shit."

As my boy DER said, it is like we went from two eventualities – a 13th game and a Heisman for TS – to none. I really hope Troy has a couple of very strong games and gets his Trophy and that this game didn't hurt him too badly. Though, I'm sure every QB winner has had a questionable game along the way. As for the other, our Buckeyes need to heed my bride’s advice…Get your shit together, kick Northwestern’s asses until they’re purple, then get pumped for UM, and finally never wear horizontal stripes if you are a large woman. All very sound, I think.

I plan to be kicking it up a notch over the next week so check back soon. That is until we leave Texas for Columbus next Wednesday. GO BUCKS.

Illinois Pre-game

Once again, I'm having to miss a game due to work. What the....? It's really starting to get my bloomers in a bunch. I'm out in Seattle, (the land of DeathCab, sup dude?) which means there are football games on at 9:ooam. Which normally would blow, but since I'm not able to see much football this weekend I'll take what I can get. Even if it is Wishconsin v State Penn or Texas Tech v. Baylor.

Two side notes. If you haven't looked into the kook that is Mike Leach the head coach of Texas Tech yet. Do your funny bone a favor and check him out. He is more than just a creator of one of the most tricked up crazy-assed teams you'll see but he's a huge fan of pirates. That's a lower case "p." Not the Pittsburgh baseball team or anything like that he's a fan of the old school "Arrrrrgggghhh, Shiver me timbers you scallawag" type pirate. In fact each off season he chooses to learn about some other topic. Such as Geronimo, Daniel Boone, whales, chimpanzees, grizzly bears. This dude cracks me up.

Second side note. I just saw the Nissan commercial about the Heisman Trophy. The Buckeye Blog had a week or so ago, but I must've missed it. I like it a lot. But our mascot isn't really very tough so they just had to make is as big as former planet Pluto and roll over everyone. Not a bad analogy by Nissan, but sometimes I do wish we had a tougher mascot. Like Indiana, er uh, oh hell. Watch the video.










OSU - 39
Ill - 10

This just in.

Looks like Sparty is sick and tired of having a crappy football team. So instead of shit-canning the entire program like they should they are taking the easy way out.

The are firing J. L. Smith today effective at the end of the season.

I sorta called this, which makes me pretty smart. Not really, I just like seeing that in print. I'll go off line now and write some more really cool crap about myself.

Rock the vote

Go here - Vote for Troy – and do your duty as a Buckeye. If you aren’t a Buckeye do it anyway. As Wilford Brimley once said, “it’s the right thing to do.” It doesn’t matter if he was talking about Quaker Oats or snuffing out Tom Cruise, I think it translates here.

Here’s the skinny. (I didn’t know this or at least didn’t remember.) In 1999, The Heisman Trophy folks decided to develop a “special program” to allow we, the huddled masses, to have a say in the vote. Pretty cool, huh? We get one. ONE! We don’t each get one -- we get to share one. So why not have our guy win that one vote? Last I checked, somewhere around 100,000 votes have been cast and TS is getting the shit kicked out of him by that kid at WVU by like 500%. He’s number two but barely ahead of future bikini model, Brady Quinn. Heck even the Mormons have revved up their PCs at the Tabernacle and put their guy in 4th.

Let’s help pull this thing out of the ditch. Pass the word around. Thanks to The Buckeye Blog for the heads up.

The ballot is supposed to be set up so you can only vote once per week, but if you clear out your cookies/history you can keep voting.

By the way -- One more Heisman Trophy for the Buckeyes and they’ll be tied for the lead with ND and USC with 7.

No thanks!

Ok, let me just say this first so as to keep from getting in Dutch with the Karma Monkey. Hypothetically speaking. Let’s just say that neither the Buckeyes nor the UM Skunk Bears barf on themselves, and both arrive in the Shoe for the battle of the millennium, November 18th unscathed. There. I should be good now.

I think I’m alone in this one. Seriously, does anyone else not want a second Ohio State v. Meatchicken game this year? I’ve heard it referenced several times, in Ohio State blogs, news groups, my family, I even think the ESPN folks have floated it out. So maybe it’s just me. But I don’t want anything to do with such an idea. Oh yeah, from the outside it probably looks like a terrific idea. Two storied programs sticking it to the rest of the college football world by playing two times in a row. The first one for the Big Ten title, the next for the National Championship and complete sovereignty over the entire known universe.

For me The Game is The Game. It shouldn’t be sullied, particularly by a second match-up in the same season. Part of my problem with this comes from a “glass-half-empty” perspective. And that is, what if the Buckeyes were to lose? Can you imagine the decades of hearing the Meeeeshigan people reminding us that we can forget about our regular season record because they own us in National Championships? The HORROR. I’d rather watch Rosie O’Donnell do nude squat thrusts than have to hear that from Them. Ok sure, we could and should win a game like that but is it worth the risk? I can take a loss to a Pac10 or SEC team much easier that a loss to TTUN.

I'd like to think that the Buckeyes will school them in the Shoe and be done with it. Let us then move on to kicking the shit out of, say West Virginia, or Louisville, or any one of a number. I don’t care, you pick one, just not Mistagain. I’m already a nervous wreck about this year’s scheduled Game. Heaven forbid, if I had to put my dear wife through another month of sphincter tightening, hand wrenching, binge drinking and possibly a new crack or heroine problem. I’m quite sure I couldn’t handle it.

I’m usually a “half-full” guy so this is a weird stance from me. It’s neither really well thought out nor well argued but it’s the way I feel, so there. I will stomp my feet and hold my breath if you don’t like.

The Buckeye Blog is looking forward to deciphering the possibilities of how this game could happen.

Hypothetically speaking of course.

No TV for you.

By the way, to the boys at The M Zone, good luck with the live play-by-play blogging you are talking about doing this weekend. Very ambitious. My advice? Go to a bar and drink like any respectable Big 10er should do. They do have bars in A2 right? It’s a rhetorical question, because I know that there are bars there. I half remember being in one. I was one of those loud mouthed, drunken, cammo wearing, belligerent tOSU fans you all like to talk about. Hey at least I admit it. I’ve changed a lot since my school days. I don’t wear cammo anymore.

I smell varmit poon.....

My dad is a former OSU Marching Band member and a past “i Dotter” to boot. So this item means a lot to my family and me. The list of non-TBDBITL “i Dotters” is a short one. Folks like Bob Hope, former tOSU Presidents Gee and Fawcett, former band director Droste and some fellow named Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes have been honored with the opportunity to be led to the top of the i by the drum major during Script Ohio. Now the Golden Bear, or as he was once called “the Blob O” will have that honor tomorrow during the Buckeyes homecoming game. I do hope that the TV folks recognize how cool this is and let us folks out here in the hinterlands see it.

This is hallowed ground Jack and you deserve it. Just remember what our TBDBITL brothers say, "Pick Up Your Feet, Turn Your Corners Square, and Drive, Drive, Drive!" Or as the TBDBITL Alumni say, “At least don’t fall down.” (right Dad?)

Keeping it in the family.

My dad’s dad, played football at the University of Minnesota. So I’ve always had a little love for the Gophers. He played back in the days when helmets were optional. As if those minimally padded leather WWI pilot helmets thingies were going to protect much. His nose was spread around his face a bit too, proof that face masks were not only not invented yet, but also for pussies. Family lore has it that he played against former President Gerald Ford from Meatchicken. So it is with no hard feelings that I say that the Buckeyes will kill them on Saturday. tOSU will rack up at least 45 points on the Gophers and win with ease. Happy homecoming.

Buckeyes – 48
Gophers – 10

I Don't Feel Tardy

The theme today children, is “better late than never.” Since I’ve never claimed to be on the cutting edge of blogging, technology or anything for that matter, I’m just now getting to these items. First off is one Antonio Smith. Damn it, do I like this kid!

Antonio Smith, a fifth-year senior and former walk-on from Beechcroft High School, gained the defensive honor after a career-high 12 tackles, including a sack, as the OSU defense put the clamps on Indiana quarterback Kellen Lewis.

There are a freakin’ plethora of douche bags playing college football. Even our beloved tOSU has had a couple. So it’s nice to see when a kid comes through like this one. It’s a common enough story, city kid who is raised by his Granny, who brings him up with the right mixture of tough love and paddling his ass. But this kid is a role model. He began his Ohio State career as a walk-on and after four years gets the scholarship love. All the while, making the most of his non-scholarship time working hard and keeping his nose clean, yet he has enough flare to mix in a little high-step on the way to scoring on an interception in the State Penn game. (Even though he claims he didn't mean to do it if he did) It hit me today when I read this in the Dogpatch.

"I’m not a star or anything. I’m just an average player, an average guy in mechanical engineering just trying to fulfill my responsibility the best I can."

I was the exact same way when I was at Ohio State -- except replace “Mechanical Engineering” with “Sleeping off a hangover and missing classes” and “fulfill my responsibility” with “Sleep off a hangover so I can go out this afternoon and get hammered.”

Welcome to adulthood young man, you can be proud of yourself.

Ode to the Statue of Liberty Play

It's about a week old or so, but this is one crazy-assed play. Watch how this running back crab-walks up behind the line, hiding behind the linemen who are setup cheek to cheek.

Football Talk

Minnestoma - I'll do my best to muster up the strength to talk about this game later in the week. As if anyone gives a damn. This one and others are just stepping stones to get to the "game of the millennium" on 11/18. Wake me up then.

Pregame and Stuff

Thanks to alert TPK Kool-aid drinker, JB, who took a well-needed break from his high-powered job as Chief Unicorn Tinkle Collector to find this very funny clip. You might have also seen on a little site called gorillamask but don’t worry about that so much right now.



It might only be funnier if in the background Lloyd Carr was getting bitch-slapped by Phyllis Diller, Andrew Dice Cay and couple of chimps in WWE Raw Cage Match.


Ok…So…Now it’s the weekend and the little Hoosiers come to the ‘Shoe with BIG hopes. Can we all agree that the Buckeyes just need to keep from falling asleep in this game? (And the others between now and November 18th for that matter.) I’d be tickled to see a first half consisting of about 35 points for tOSU. Then let's get some more quality mop-up time for the 2nd and 3rd stringers in the third stanza. Finally, how 'bout we give Brutus and the cheerleaders some reps in the fourth. So much for IU pre-game coverage from me.

tOSU – 54
IU – 14

Midweek Prattle Redux

A couple items that are making my brain itch. So please humor me while I scratch.

It is time to head up to the local Sears to buy a new washer and dryer set. Pretty interesting how the two decided to die at the exact same damn time. Tell the JFK and 9-11 folks we’ve got a hot conspiracy down here in Dallas. Were the two talking to each other? Both were made by Maytag. Hmmmm. I too am blaming it on the Cubans or the Mob, or both. Yeah….Both.

There’s TONS of new “Personal Domicile Laundry” technology these days. I’m pretty sure you can program these new sets to teleport your clothes from the hamper upstairs to the washer, then dry, fold and put ‘em away before your Hungry Man dinner is done. Can all those options and electronics be necessary? Probably not, except of course for if it can also tell me when I’m running low on beer, weed or nacho fixings.

Ants In His Pants in Bloomington

I’m very pleased for Terry Hoeppner, Hoosier head coach. He’s successfully undergone brain surgery in the last year. Not just once, but twice. Which is great, as I can’t imagine the trauma, rehab and unfortunate hair that would accompany the surgeries. One problem, though, I think the doctors must’ve had a part left over when they closed him back up. You know when you put together the crappy particleboard entertainment center from Wal-mart and have those 2 screw-like items left? Like that.

The pieces missing from his brain have to do with the area that makes him remember he’s the coach of INDIANA. A win at Illinois (stinko yes, but it was on the road) and a big upset when Iowa visited last week tell the tale. He clearly doesn’t remember that he’s not supposed to get his kids whipped up into a frenzy and think they could beat Ohio State. They should be going to class and watching Gene Hackman movies instead.

"Some people called it an upset last week, and I guess, technically, it was," Hoeppner said. "If we win the game this week, it would probably be considered an upset again. But that’s what we’re intending to do."

“Probably”?? Damn straight Brutha. That would be an upset of an epic proportion.

Well that’s the last thing we need. I know the Buckeyes are favored by 30 points this week, but this guy is walking around with a brain built by a committee that is filled with crazy ideas. Is there a brain doctor in the house?

Thuggery at the U, Really?

What did this idiot do to get a job broadcasting football games? Lamar Thomas should be the anchorman for the South Florida Penitentiary closed-circuit 6 o’clock “Watch Your Ass – Eyewitness News,” not a sideline reporter in the real world. This dude was a punk scumbag extraordinaire when he was a “playah” at the U. He hasn’t changed. I know you’ve heard the story, if not, go here. So back to my question. What did this turd do to get a job at Comcast? Has anyone seen the interviewer since the interview, or did they just take Thomas’ word for it that the interviewer really said

"'My shit were good and I should be on the TV like a mutha-f…’”

They got what they deserved.

Come to think of it, Hey #13 Former Denver Bronco! We’ve got a gig for you after your hitch in the Gray-Bar Hilton is over. You too can be a sideline dumbass…er reporter, though not in the Big Ten. We’ll need you to go down south, way down south.


I’ll chime in on the looming dogfight with the Hoosiers a little later. I know they think that after this week the Big10 will be the Big 3 and the Little 8. However, they might want to tap the breaks just a little on that. More later. Go Bucks.