Signs Signs Everywhere a sign

In keeping with the time-waster theme of this here blog, here’s a little fun with the Churchies. I know I can’t be the only one who thinks about changing the lettering around on the sign in the front yard of the neighborhood church. Maybe the only thing that stops us from doing so is LightningBoltFromHeavenophobia. Here’s away to say what you want with out too much fear of Wrath. I did a few just to get started. Enjoyeth.

Ripping off real blogs

I need to get up earlier to catch the worm. I’m new to this blogging thing so I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. But a couple of the points I’m about to touch on have already appeared on such notable sites as DeadSpin and a SkunkBear site. I need a crack staff. Or maybe just crack.

Item one: Can we please over-promote a true freshman again? Beanie Wells should be good, maybe even great. Coach T says he’s even quicker now than in the spring or even early fall. So, I know, let’s make statue out of him and sell it. Better yet throw a bunch of Buckeyes on his helmet. It could only be better if that statue could be put on the cover of Sports Illustrated.




Item next: mmmmm Football flavored cereal. It’s true, we as Buckeye fanatics will buy, wear, or eat anything if it scarlet and gray. Sounds a lot like Honey Nut Cheerios to me. Try to be the first to open the box because for a limited time everyone comes with a jock-strap.




Item Last: For the discerning visual pallet. Make your own original masterpiece under the watchful eye of Jesus. Put a picture of Grandma, Aunt Midge, Your Favorite Football Coach or Donald Trump. Whomever. This is genius with a capital G. I’m buying one, particularly if I can get it on black velvet. Pictured here is Jesus’ favorite brown dog.

Wood Shed?

I'm starting to get pretty geeked about the upcoming college football season. This is by far the best sports season to me. It’s the pageantry of the whole thing. It's that every game counts! If Ohio State takes a nap against Northern Illinois, it's probably over. Oh the pressure.

Periodically, I'll cruise by the University of Texas message boards to see where their heads are about the second game of the season when tOSU visits Austin. I was pretty surprised at what I found. (Read I couldn't have been more shocked if I woke up with my face stapled to my pillow.)

Let's put this in perspective first. Ohio State is preseason ranked #1 in the country. Vegas started the betting line around 3 points in favor of Texas. The line is now down to a basic "pick 'em." We are likely looking for a pretty good game, no? So you might think. These posters on the http://www.orangebloods.com/ site are looking for a 17 –30 point Longhorn victory. 30 points?! Are you shitting me? Granted, Texas is the reigning National Champ, which is awesome for them. But rolling over a team like Ohio State like that is HIGHLY unlikely.

This is how I view Big 12 fans in general. They’re very confident, nay over-the-top cocksure to say the least. I've never been able to pull this off. I'm too nervous to be that confident. Do I think the Bucks can win in Austin? No question. But to call for an ass-whoopin like that is not something I can make myself do. I also see this out of fans of Texas Tech, A&M, Oklahoma, (except for you, JB) all of them really.

That's too far to fall if things don't go my way. Predict a beating like that and then lose, YOUCH!

I'll try to put that game on the back burner for a week. Good luck, right?

Oh no you didn't!

So I've seen this guy do this easily a half of a dozen times. One time I hollered across the bar at him to stop but him paid me no attention. He's a double dipper. In public no less. It's one thing to double dip at home. I'll even champion that effort myself. But in public?

Ok, so this dude, whom I have no name other than the Double Dipper goes into the same bar I do. Every time I see him he'll have a drink or two and make his way toward the bathroom. On the way he'll make a pit stop at the little happy hour buffet that the proprietors are kind enough to provide. DD will stand there in broad daylight and take a tortilla chip and dip it straight into the big thing of salsa. Questionable already, but passable. Then he’ll take a bite and put the remaining piece of the chip back in the salsa for another helping.

I lost it last night when I saw this happen AGAIN. After DD went to the bathroom, probably not washing his mitts, he reentered the bar area. Where I was lying in wait. I squared up to him and gently poked a finger in his chest and said.

"When you took that chip and took a bite and then put it back in the salsa, did you ever consider that someone else might like to have some."

This was met with a blank stare, almost looking away like my dog does when being scolded. Then some blinking.

"So you are a double dipper. You put food in your mouth, then take it out and commingle it with other people’s food. What is wrong with you?"

He walked away after saying nothing. I felt better but was shaking a little bit from the adrenaline rush created by the confrontation.

I hope he learns something. If not, I tried.

Your membership in the 9 -- REVOKED!

Poor poor Pluto. All it ever did as a “planet” was hang around your anus, er I mean Uranus. It’s just this little latecomer to the Planet Party, doin’ its thing way out there in its gigantic orbit. Now these know-it-all astronomers say it is nothing more than a “Dwarf Planet.” Maybe they should stick to telling me when Mercury is in retrograde for the Pisces man or what the heck it means when the moon is in the 10th house. (That could be astrology, so never mind)

Pluto probably should have seen it coming. Its discovery in 1930 was pretty forced anyway. Folks were looking for a ninth planet and when some cat named Lowell decided that this icy little rock was it. It has a funky-assed orbit that crosses the path of Neptune and it kinda wobbles like tire with out all its lug nuts. This makes Neptune the farthest planet from the sun for 20 years every 248. Not a good way to impress the neighbors.

Schoolbooks and the teachers who rely on them are ruined. Get the White Out ready. Useless too are the cute little mnemonics we used to learn the order of the planets. “Mr. Vigoda Eagerly Made Justine Saddle Up Nine Ponies.” What the hell is Justine going to do now?

Truthfully, I couldn’t care less. It’s no skin off my nose. I think, however, it is a very funny visual imagining the eggheads at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) having “years of intense debate.”

Is not!

Is too!

Dork!

Four-Eyes!

Shut up!

Infinity!

Damn.

Make that out to...

The other day we were lounging around the pool enjoying the Texas heat of a thousand suns with some friends. My lovely wife was telling some of them about this blog. “He writes stories, and mostly about the Buckeyes.” I disagreed, as I thought I sprinkled in much more variety, if not just outright scatter shooting. So the results are just in and it turns out that only about 25% of the entries are indeed about the Bucks. Not that there isn’t enough material to fill up blogs for a month of Sundays, but I didn’t and don’t want this to be one of those. Mainly because that would mean we’d have to get into the X’s and O’s of football. I can hang in that type of conversation up to the point where I fall asleep or drive the car in to a bridge abutment. Now having said all that, in the absence of some help from my muse or some other brainstorm, the Buckeyes are the mama to which I run home.

This is one of those days.

It could only mean a few things when a college football team gets nearly 30,000 people to a late evening practice like OSU did yesterday.
- There’s nothing going on in Columbus on a Monday night in the summer.
- It’s in the ‘Shoe and people look for any reason to go to the Ohio’s version of the Western (Wailing) Wall.
- Overrated or not the Buckeyes are on top of every preseason poll
- FREE AUTOGRAPHS.

These people are conducting tailgating and grilling practice. They are also playing a game, which really desperately needs a new name. Cornhole.

"It was 5:40 p.m., and the event was the Ohio State football team’s autograph session and open practice. It looked like a game day, with tailgaters and cornhole games and smoke wafting up from grills."

(We have the same game and call it Baggo. It may not be a great name but it so much less fecal than the other.)

If in Columbus, I don’t think I would have attended this practice and signing session but it certainly is a signal of just how close the greatest season of the year is from starting.

We are only 11 days from game one. I’m so excited…..And nervous.

You’re a Nut Job….Mkay?

Did anyone think that this pencil-necked freak looks like Mr. Mackey from South Park? What a freaking creepy looking guy. It looks like there is evil behind those eyes, even if he did what he is claiming or not. I’m starting to have my doubts whether he had any thing to do with the murder of JonBenet Ramsey too.

Seems that the Boulder District Attorney is non-plussed by his confession. Factual errors and such have many people wondering if John Karr is the murderer or just a generic non-murdering pedophile that has a horribly unhealthy obsession with the decade old slaying of a little girl.

For a moment let’s assume he didn’t do it. What is it about people who confess to things like this that they didn’t do? I think it happens often. I would find another way to get some attention. Streaking. Paging oneself in the airport over and over again. Protesting at the White House about the poor treatment of the Alien Visitors while wearing a foil lined colander. Run for governor of Minnesota or Texas.

I hope this guy did do it. It would take the heat of the family and let the little girl rest in peace. I also hope that the collection of Deputies Barney Fife and Enos Strate at the Boulder PD haven’t screw the pooch so bad on this thing that they’ll never find the truth.

Three yards and a cloud...

I realize that I might be on some ticklish ground here but I saw these Jesus Athletic Statues and it was clear to me that I must comment. I mean, come on! Look at these. They are begging for a “Your Caption Here” space.

If Jesus were on my relay team, I think I’d let him have the anchorman position. Seems likely that even in the “Jerusalem cruiser” sandles that he would have the best 100 or 400 meter time. Number 2, Little Bobby believes that there is an “I” in team. What’s the little girl doing? I think she is about to be Zola Bud to Jesus’ Mary Decker.

He’s nothing if not versatile sort of like Renaldo Nehemiah, only a lot holier and Son of God-ish. Don’t tell me that that is Little Bobby again. Thou shall not try to arm tackle Jesus, especially since He seems to be pretty fast and has a good handle on the Power I. I think He's been chatting with Woody up there, because now days with the West Coast offense, passing is way more popular. Notice no grass stains on his clothes. He’s a good scrambler.

There are more, like Jesus Hockey Guy, Basketball and Soccer. Talk about low hanging fruit.

I’ll let you have some fun too.

Coverphobia

I intended to get on here to bitch about the Buckeyes being on the cover of the latest Sports Illustrated. You know, the “SI Jinx” and all? Now, I’m not sure where to start, but I do have a few thoughts on the subject.

First, what is SI thinking when they sell the same issue of a magazine with SIX different covers? As if I don’t know. I do believe it will sell magazines. But does it have anything to do with the “SI Jinx?” I seriously doubt that anyone at SI would openly capitulate to the idea that what happens after a cover is printed is predicated on the actual cover. Openly. Nonetheless there are five other teams that appear on these regional covers: Notre Dame (blech), USC (blech) Texas, LSU and WVU. This fact is known; all of these team can’t win the whole enchilada.

Secondly: So there are 6 groups of fans around the country right now that are crying about their team being Jinxed by the evil-doers at SI. Sports Illustrated states that in the 2600 some odd covers they’ve had, somewhere in the neighbor hood of 37% have demonstrable misfortune or decline in performance following a cover appearance. The vast majority of these failures were on the individual level like golfers, tennis players, drivers, boxers and the like. When we are talking about College Football and the preseason preview I’d be surprised if the primary team on the cover won the Championship 10% of the time. Vegas odd for the preseason is rarely going to be below 3:1, so the team on the cover is bound to fail. Right? Right.

Thirdly: Jinx Schminx. Even though Ohio State Football has been on four SI covers (prior to this one) in their college preview issue and hasn’t won the championship that year, I stand here unwavering. These were usually after a year when we did win it all or came very close. These years were also not complete failures. Mostly these seasons OSU had just one loss and very high finishes in the final poll.

Having said all that, in my mind, this year’s SI College Preview is this one. GO BUCKEYES.

First Interracial Kiss on TV

Captain Kirk and Lt. Uhura, William Shatner and Nichelle Nichols respectively, swapped spit in an episode of Star Trek making TV history. I think about Lt. U often these days when I see people in public with their Blue-tooth phone thingies hanging out of their ear. I've stopped trying to tell each one of them that they look ridiculous.

So back to Bill Shatner. Can you believe this guy? Once considered by far the cheesiest guy on TV, for his hammish overacting portrayals of Captain Kirk and the T.J. Hooker. Shatner has been selected for induction into the Television Hall of Fame and consistently recieves Emmy nominations every year for his role as Denny Crane in Boston Legal. He'll also be roasted on Comedy Central later this week. I'm not sure how this happens. I guess he changed, because we all couldn't, could we?


“Remember-you can't beam through a force field. So, don't try it.” -- William Shatner.

That about sums it up, don't ya think?

Poor Bomar - No Respect

I don't mean to pick on Rhett Bomar, former Oklahoma Sooner QB, but dammit it's tough not to. Turns out he may not have taken as much money as originally reported for his no-show job at a Norman auto dealer. So this make him an even bigger dumbass. Jeopardizing a potentially lucrative NFL career for less than the cash it would take to buy a used Buick Skylark. Idiot!

This picture makes me laugh.

More on Mo Clarett (pardon the pun)....an Ohio Judge is ordering a psychological exam to determine whether or not Clarett esta loco en la cabasa. Um, Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I can save you some time. HE'S A FREAKING LUNATIC. Take it to the bank, bang the gavel and let's hit the cafeteria before the green beans get mushy.

My Favorite Wine

"I want to go to Miami Beach" Ok, seriously.

Way back when, on game day, to go with our Cheez-whiz in a can we’d fill our wineskins or bota bags with M/D 20/20. Clearly the worst wine ever, but at least it was cheap. At about 2 bucks a pop back then, it was right up a poor college student’s alley. This nasty stuff now comes in eleventeen different flavors. In my day; two. Grape with a hint of nightmarish vomiting and a touch of kill-me-now-before-I-jump-off-the-roof headaches. And Lemon-Lime – only for the professional and you had to sign a waiver at the 7-11.

All this to say that I wouldn’t have thought that I would do what I did yesterday. I ordered a case of nice wine on-line. My wife and I had a couple of glasses at a restaurant and loved it. I’m not sure why, but nobody in the area carries. Even the winery is out. I found some 2002 Folie a Duex Cabernet at some online wine store out of Los Angeles. It wasn’t terribly expensive but the thought of identifying, locating and buying a case of wine seems so freaking far from throwing up purple madness on my tennis shoes 20 years ago.

This wine term makes me giggle – Cork Taint

Hmmm, it must be happy hour somewhere. Ahoy! Cocktails on the horizon, Captain.

See you Monday

Rules For Buckeye Fans

This list is not my original work though I'd like to claim much of it. I'm partial to the section spelling out when it is OK to shed a tear. More so, is the "Rest easy Woody, the New man has arrived." Which if memory serves is an actual quote from Keith Jackson after the Buckeyes took the National Championship away from Miami in the Fiesta Bowl. It still gives me goose bumps.

This list is longish, thankfully I don't pay for the server space. Go BUCKS! O-H!

- Never agree to get married on a Saturday Ohio State is scheduled to play football. There are typically 40 other freakin' weekends to choose from...make her/him choose one of those!
- Never attend a wedding during an Ohio State football game unless you carry a TV......and watch it even during the ceremony.
- It is OK to wear an OSU football jersey even when old....and fat....and bald. Extra points if you've got an OSU baseball cap on backwards.
- Always, and I mean ALWAYS, return any "O...H" with a hearty "I...O." This is true even during funerals, sex, in foreign countries or when witnessing the birth of your child.
- When Notre Dame plays Michigan, it is mandatory to despise both teams. There are no winners. Except the ambulance.
- You despise the following teams equally after scUM: Michigan,ND, USC, Miami (that's Florida), and Bama, FSU
- It is OK to be emotional (and even "tear" up) during the following:
* Script Ohio
* Your child's first Buckeye game
* Carmen Ohio
* During a Tressel speech
* Listening to "I want the Buckeyes"
* Remembering Woody
* After beating Michigan
* Winning the National Championship
* Hearing the phrase, "Rest easy Woody, the new man has arrived."
* Ramp entrance
- Never listen to Brett Musberger or Keith Jackson on TV. It's okay to watch the game while listening to 1460 on the radio.
- Always provide a loud “Go Bucks” when NFL Buckeyes state on MNF that they are from "THE" Ohio State University.
- It is not cool to make fun of the Neutron Man. Especially now that he is watching games with Woody.
- Buckeye necklaces must be worn at all times on game day from the time you leave your place of abode until you return.
- Always take off your hat during Carmen Ohio and physically remove the hats of anyone in your vicinity who fails to do so.
- Everyone should rush the field after an OSU home victory over Michigan at least once in their lifetime. (Extra kudos for those of you who rushed the field at IU and tore down THEIR goalposts a few years ago...c'mon you know who you are!).
- Attending Skull Session is mandatory at least once each season.
- ESPN employees must be verbally taunted at every opportunity.
- We must all pray that the next president of OSU has more of a clue than the present one.
-When you die, you must have at least one item of Buckeye memorabilia with you. (Specify which one in your will, that way your spouse won't pick something stupid).
- You must be willing to die to defend your right to drink beer during tailgates.
- You are forbidden to fall for the National Media crap sandwich that Joe Pa is still a "good guy." In reality, he is a bitter, senile old man reduced to a cheerleader and referee-baiter.
- Recruiting must be followed as intensely as any game. This is true even if it puts your job/career at risk.
- Attend the Spring Game. It makes it easier to survive the summer.
- When in church, it is not sacrilegious to count being a Buckeye as one of your blessings.
- Try to never boo a former or current Buckeye football player.
- When making fun of guys in marching bands always caveat your comments with a statement that, regardless of what you just said, anyone in TBDBITL is very cool.
- Admit that secretly, you wished you played tuba and could dot the "i." (Like my Dad did) You'd even be willing to put on a few dozen pounds to look the part. (Like my Dad did, sorry Dad couldn't help it.)
- You would not trade the opportunity to swill beer while listening to The Danger Brothers after an OSU victory over Michigan for tickets to any rock band that has ever existed.
- It is important to consider the "good old days" ARE NOW. Enjoy them even when OSU doesn't win the National Championship.
- Scarlet and Gray always works. Maize and Blue is always gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
- Drinking alcohol before 9:00 A.M. is, at best, immature, and likely, a sign of a serious problem. Except on game day.
- It is never ok to talk to a stranger at the urinal next to you unless he is dressed in OSU garb. That said, the topic should be limited to Buckeye football.
- There are no bad seats in OHIO Stadium.If you attend a game at Wisconsin, you must never engage in "Jump Around" at the end of the third quarter no matter how tempting.
- If your wife asks you what was the greatest night of your life, admit the truth that it was January 3, 2003.
- Plant a Buckeye tree in your yard.
- Hang a Buckeye flag on game day. If any of your neighbors counter with a Michigan flag, it is your solemn duty to tear it down and deface it anyway you see fit.
- It is "ok" to not get the drum major thing; it is "not ok" to fail to cheer when the plume touches the field.- In honor of Woody, the principle of "paying forward" should be practiced at all times by all Buckeyes.

Hey Mo! Nyuk Nyuk

Isn’t it sad how poor Maurice Clarett is being treated these days? Don’t Columbus’ Finest know that this kid is a star, a celebrity with rights and privileges not afforded to pedestrian shit-breathers like you and me? Where’s the love?

All my boy Mo did this time was….
· Make an illegal U-turn
· Headed out I-70 trying to outrun the cops.
· Another illegal U-turn on the highway.
· Damaged some city property when he bent some of the police spike strips with all four of his tires.
· Needed to be forcibly removed from his SUV after he refused to get out once stopped.
· Made the coppers use their mace on his crazy eyes.
· Kicking and screaming like a little bitch in the paddy wagon.
· Oh and possessing 4 (FOUR! QUATRO!) loaded weapons in the car and wearing a bullet proof vest.

Easy does it folks. Who hasn’t been there? Poor li'l Mo is the victim. If Jim Tressel would’ve just let Mo run roughshod over the OSU football program like he wanted, he wouldn’t be in this pickle right now. Of course the program would be in shambles and we’d be looking down the barrel of the NCAA Death Penalty, but if we could save just one kid isn’t it worth it? Isn't that what we are here for?

What was he preparing for? War? Four loaded weapons and a bulletproof vest? What the…..?

Two parting thoughts:

Maurice Clarett has lost whatever mind he had.

Jessica Simpson looks good in this dress

Open wide please

I have a new Ex-dentist because this guy scared me. He was nice enough and didn’t hurt me but he did say something shocking. I would’ve walked out right then but he and the hygienist sort of had me cornered. So what did he say?

“You can request tooth-colored filling material for your teeth, but I recommend Silver Amalgam. It’s much better.”

Let’s pretend for a second that there are no studies about this product at all. Cuz, there are. Why would anyone want to have a concoction of materials sitting in their mouth for eons that is more than 50% Mercury? The same kind of Mercury that is one of the most toxic materials on earth? If you spill more Mercury than would be contained in a standard thermometer, the EPA says you have to contact the State Environmental authorities, if it’s a tablespoon or two, call the Feds. Remember “Mad as a Hatter?” It refers to mercury poisoning that was common amoung hat makers who used it to for making chapeaus. So tell me again why it’s ok to store this crap in my cake-hole.

Note: I think it is pretty clear why they’re called “Silver Filling,” because they probably wouldn’t sell very well if they were called Mercury Poisoning Fillings)

I know I have a choice not to get the silver fillings when the time comes. What really bugged me about this dentist is that he is STILL recommending them. As if enough doubt hasn’t been cast to just stop using them and go with something else. Oh, to be sure you will find studies stating that nothing has ever been found counter-indicating the use of Mercury fillings. There loads to the contrary too. But if it doesn’t come from the ADA or the FDA they don’t count with most dentists. I wouldn’t expect much to come from the ADA on the subject since they invented the filling material. Imagine the lawsuits that would be filed if the ADA came out and said, “oops, sorry, we been poisoning you and you kids for years and years. Please don’t be mad at us.”

I’ve got more to say about this and Dentists in general, but will rest for now.

Please pass the Syrup

Funnel Cakes are apparently not just for the State Fair and toothless carnies anymore. IHOP is promoting the hell out of these on radio and TV. Funnel Cakes? For breakfast? Holy moly, are you kidding? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pretentious food guy or the healthiest eater around but this is not a part of your healthy breakfast. Further than that, they should probably come with a warning label. “Eating funnel cakes any more than once every year or two, especially for breakfast at IHOP, will cause you to wear stretch pants 3 sizes too small, store your washer and dryer on the front porch of the double wide and believe the WWE Wrastlin' is real.”

I’m not saying that IHOP is irresponsible, but I’d like to introduce them to RJ Reynolds. Maybe they can come up with some new products together. Perhaps the “IHOP Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity, flavored Kiddie smokes.” Try the Strawberry!

Scumbag Boosters and Greedy Boys

Man o' man does this kind of shit scares me. In case you don't know Rhett Bomar, QB for the Oklahoma Sooners, was busted, cut and publicly flogged by his coach after availing himself of the illicit offerings of a over-zealot booster. Tony Soprano’s boys call it a no-show job. Pretty nice gig actually. You get paid loads of cash, at least by the standards of a 20 year old kid, to stay home. Oh, and there is a car allowance too? Sweet. Hey Dumbass! You’re going to make millions of dollars a year if you can just keep your head out of your ass.

The reason it scares me is that there are dumb asses like this at every school. At any D-1 school you’ll find at least a handful of shortsighted morons whose sense of self-entitlement out weighs any amount of couth, moxie or common sense that God gave a flaming bag of shit. I’d like to be able to grab every Ohio State player by their heavily starched, custom made collar and say, “See this Oklahoma jackass? Learn something from him and keep your hands in your pockets instead of out in front of you palm-up waiting for some scumbag alumni to line it with Benjamin’s! Get it?” Hopefully my boy Tressel will take care of that. Though I think it’s likely that he enters the building on the opposite side from the players. He drives a ’92 Ford Ranger; he wouldn’t want to be shown up by the kid’s cars.

Being Avis would be better…

At least when it comes to AP pre-season NCAA Football rankings. Here’s a stat for you – Only eight teams since 1950 have captured the (mythical) national title who also started the year ranked #1. One team, Oklahoma, nabbed four of those championships. That’s less than a 15% chance of essentially going wire to wire. Though I don’t know if any of those teams fell out of the top spot only to gain it back later. I’ll leave that level of research to someone else.

So imagine my consternation when every college football prognostication mag in the country has the Buckeyes pre-season number 1. I think they can win it all this year too, but damn. If I feel it, doesn’t the pressure of being ranked #1 have to be felt on the team. These kids have to watch ESPN or read the local papers, to be sure. How does a coach keep his players from getting a big head and overlooking the details? Details like blocking assignments and bitch slapping teams your supposed to like NIU while still getting up for games again Texas and the transvestite hookers from Ann Arbor. I’m sure there is generic coach speak to answer this question. ‘Our kids focus on the little things and play as a team….blah blah blah’ I want answers! We’re a little over 3 weeks away from the opening game and I’m nearly apoplectic.

Ohio State has one thing that will keep me from the ledge. Two words – Jim F-ing Tressel. He must be a freaking unbelievably calming and leveling force on this team. He’s coached this team to a National Championship through umpteen games with victory margins thinner than water soup. He’ll deliver. Why do we need to worry that we only have 2 returning starters on the defensive squad? Pshaw. He’ll reload that sucker. That 2002-03 team didn’t have a bunch of household names on defense. There were some awesome freshmen to be sure but unproven nonetheless.

Ok. I’m better now.
I’m probably not going to get into the Xs and Os and two deeps but I’ll definitely be weighing in often about the Buckeyes.

Handshakes

So who’s the wuss?

I use this company down the street mainly because they are close to our company and they are also a smallish, family-ish run business. The kind I like to support. The sales rep, that was lucky enough to be standing there when I walked in with our company’s wallet wide open, who literally didn’t nothing for the commission but open the door, bugs the shit out of me. I should’ve known what to expect when she – and no that’s not why – shook my hand the first time. You’ve heard people refer to a limp handshake as a “dead fish?” Dead fish around the globe are flopping over and gasping for air so that they can say, “hey what the….” This is one really crappy handshake. I magine if you were to try to grip a handful of smoke, well this is one step better than that. I’m pretty sure there is blood pumping in that hand, which I guess the smoke can’t boast. I’d like to say something to her, but given her handshake, I’m afraid of hurting her feelings.

It’s more than the grip. Regardless of their importance, if my requests are small they can be ignored. Right? Hogwash! I’ve made a dozen small requests of these people and I feel like they are ignoring me. So I call and let them know them missed one or two. Then the miss them again and I call. You see where this is going. Call, Goof, Call, Goof. It’s a pain in the ass. I should drop them, but they’ve kind of have me over a barrel. The reason we use them is because they handle a new and quickly growing business segment. Switching to another provider would really muck things up and cost us dearly. And by “dearly” I mean CASH. So for now, I’m resigning myself to be the complaining customer who looks like he’s nitpicking.

I know this is not an earth-shattering problem, but it’s my blog so I’ll cry if I want to.

So...Big Gulps Huh?

I’ve never really thought of myself as one with a ton to say. But then I realized that that is just plain silly. Everyone has something to say. I’m relatively smart and moderately witty so why not trot out some musings. (Or blatant rip-offs of other’s stuff if I’m having a particularly slow mind day.)

I’m the Dallas, Texas area and it’s hotter than two rats humpin’ in a wool sock. I mean damn hot. We got no water and nary a prospect of rain in the long-range forecast. There’s some crappy fungus growing in our reservoirs that makes the drinking water smell like it came out of a boar’s ass and taste twice as bad. Everyone’s yards are drying up because we can’t water but 1 day a week. I don’t have to mow my lawn anymore; instead I can just go out and kick the grass over. Oh, and the ground is cracking, I mean like two inch cracks in the dirt. I saw a Chinaman blinking back at me in one.

It’s f-in’ hot but I’m not sure I want to get into a discussion of global warming. First it kinda makes my brain power-down. The political hot-button nature of the argument is off-putting. The scientist claim that it’s WAY hotter than decades before and the ice caps are melting, seems like they would know, right? On the other hand, how much faith can we put into the temperature readings from the years 238 or 691? When Maximinus Thrax was kicking the shit out of Carthage did he know what the temp was, or barometric pressure? Or did he just know that it was hot enough to melt the Fuller brush on the top of his helmet. I’ll leave it to the scientists, Al Gore and the powers that be to reauchambeau for it.

Ok on second thought, maybe I don’t have any thing to say. I’ll continue to say nothing here when I come up with nothing.

Counting down to College Football. A