The Penalty Kill

Ahem.

2007-01-31T17:11:00.000-06:00

Please go here: Down and Distant for the same great insight and writing from me, PK, and many more amazing writers and thinkers.

(Except in place of "great insight and writing" put 'more of the same shitty slacking'. And in place of "from me, PK" put 'this strikingly handsome and wildly sexy manly man.' And finally instead of "amazing writers and thinkers" use 'douchebags and half-wits')

WTF

2007-01-18T12:29:00.000-06:00

Since the football Buckeye's season has wound down, (read screeched to a horrifying halt with all the subtlety of a prison rape.) I’ll be taking a bit break from The Penalty Kill. I’ll be back from time to time to keep you honest but most of my blogging efforts (until next football season) will now reside at Down And Distant. It’s group of dudes who find themselves funny, whether it’s true or not is something entirely different and I would prefer to keep my head securely in the sand on that one, thank you.

Thanks for your visits and comments. It’s really an honor that so many folks stop by here to see if I’ve managed to throw down some idle thoughts or some such. Please stop by and check out Down and Distant. If it sucks, your retinas will only be sore for a while.

We’ll be working on the graphics and format as we go, but we needed to get something up because, as you know, you can’t hold back comedy like this.

Thanks
PK

Snow day

2007-01-17T12:27:00.000-06:00

Did you stop by to take a look at my giant cock? I'm so sorry, I couldn’t resist. I saw this picture and had to use it somehow. It’s a giant chicken, get it? Also it appears that Coke is kicking the crap out of Pepsi in this town. (The first sentence ought to make my Statcounter search words interesting)

I have just a couple of seconds to check in today. We’ve got an actual snow and ice day here in Dallas, so I am working from home. I’m actually working this time. I know, shocking. So no sportsy stuff today. I know what you are saying, 'Hey PK, when the hell do you do any sportsy stuff in the first place.' Yeah, yeah, yeah....eat it. Anyway, more later. Keep warm.

PK

All Growsed up

2007-01-13T11:30:00.000-06:00

In an effort to provide you the loyal PK devotee ~~the best, most diverse blogging ever~~ more words from different folks. We’ve scoured the land looking for ~~the brightest literati~~ dudes taking time away from pounding away with "Five Fingers" McFisty to spend a little time with you. First off is good pal and mental giant who can dunk a basketball as easily as he can a donut.

Buckeye Savant, the floor is yours….

The underrated role of the underdog

Unlike Sweet Polly (or Sweet Pauly - if you roll that way), most of us tend to disregard the advantages associated with being an underdog. Monday night's BCS National Championship Game (or, as Buckeye Nation now refers to it, "The Disaster in The Desert") was the most recent - and maybe most glaring - example of this. Although it can be argued that there were a hundred reasons the Bucks rolled over and took it like Ned Beatty, I'd like you, oh humble PK habitué, to consider the main reason for the loss was the motivation Florida took from being named a seven point (under) dog. As strange as it seems to draw so much motivation from an external source, like the dreaded media, the perceived lack of respect is a very strong incentive for 18-22 year olds. Head Gator Urban Meyer said as much in his post-game press conference when he thanked the media for making his pre-game speech easy. On the other side, Cheaty McSweatervest had no such powerful message for his boys and it showed. Florida's players hit harder, ran faster, and wanted it way more than their Ohio State ~~suckwads~~ counterparts. With so much on the line, it seems illogical to think the #1 team in the country could lay gi-freakin-normous brontosaurus egg. But, then again, logic has always been overrated.

Savant: "Fourteen points? That's all we got was fourteen goddamn points?"
PK: "Hey - you can't GD in your first blog entry!"
Savant: "Suck it!"

Remember that one time...

2007-01-12T14:36:00.000-06:00

...we went to Arizona and got donkey punched like a bitch?

As you have read before the lovely and talented Mrs. PK and I went to the “Disaster in the Desert” with some friend and family. The following is a photo-journalist account that would make a superhero with the powers of Annie Leibovitz and Edward R. Murrow lie down in the fetal position and wish for their happy place. It’s actually just a handful of photos of such questionable quality, that you might think that a kid pretending to take a picture with a View-Master was to blame. Anyway, on with the show.

Two of the highlights of the weekend were the Buckeye Bash Pep Rally at Chase Field on Sunday, and that other event at the Univ. of Phx Silver Spaceship on Monday. Prior to the Pep Rally there was, if you can imagine the thought, a chance to drink at a stadium-side bar. Before that though, we had to park. This is the ONLY point during the weekend we had a chance against from someone from the south. Please meet Alejandro. He was fair in his pricing and provided a tremendously sweet parking space. (and the car was still there upon departure.)

As mentioned we had an opportunity to quench our parched throats at a lovely establishment next door to the event. You couldn’t swing a dead skunk-bear without hitting 25 Buckeye revelers (literally over 1000 at this one place.) Among the Buckeyes in attendance was one Pete Johnson, the reason Archie has two Trophies and also the reason Bill Gates is considering buying Taco Bell. I don't know who the two Douchie MacDouchingtons are pictured with Pete.

Inside this place at the bar a couple of dudes brought their own ash tray/spittoon/gum holder with them. I couldn’t help wondering why they were making a big deal over scUM at this particular time, but I did enjoy the spirit of the whole idea.

Reports from the Buckeye Bash were that Ohio State SHOWED UP. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 37,000 fans were in the ballpark. It was truly a beautiful site. So much so, that a traveling buddy of mine who prior to this event an impartial observer became a full on Buckeye Kool-Aid drinker after witnessing it. He even took part in the booing of Karen A-Hole Brook.

Things get a little fuzzy from this point on Sunday evening. I know we went to an Indian Casino with money and left with no money. We did however make them take some of the money for Fire Water. Fire Water make Penalty Kill gamble like dumbass. Anyone else? Then later that night I found myself involved in a luggage cart race that would have made Dale Earnhardt nervous (too soon?)

Then on Monday, the only thing to talk about is that we had great parking with a ton of Ohio State tailgaters and we had decent seats. The seats we bought were supposed to be in the very last row in the corner of the end zone. Imagine our surprise when we found our seats. Great seats to see the complete dismantling of a season. 15 seconds of joy, then a lot of shit eating.

I'll be adding a couple of contributors to the PK soon as we get a second site up and running. I expect them to be funny and insightful. That way this site will once and for all be funny and insightful.

For now

PK out

We're off

2007-01-06T11:13:00.000-06:00

I really want to be a stat guy and/or a real sportsy blogger dude. Ain't happenin. That would be like asking Jay Leno to be funny, Cheerleaders to be unSexy, or O.J. Simpson to stop cutting peoples heads off. (Allegedly)

But I do have feelings. Gut feelings. And my gut is in a freaking mess about this game in the desert on Monday. I mean I am a wreck. I don't think this is going to end well. Remember that one time when Ohio State was in the National Championship against Miami? That one time when tOSU was a prohibitive underdog? And the Buckeyes SHOCKED the world? It seems the entire world thinks the Buckeyes are in the same position as MiHammy was then. I swear on the rock hard soul of Johnny Cash that I am scared to death of the Florida Gaytors. (funny spelling, I know. I’m a comic genius)

Here are some facts. (and by facts I mean stuff I'm either making up or I think I heard one time)

They're from the freakin SEC. How's the Buckeye's bowl game record against the SEC. 3 words SHHHHIIIIIITTTTTTY!

Has any team ever won after more than 50 days off. I don't think so. Check it out stat-boy. Answer no.

Of the last 5 Heisman winners who have played for the NC, only 1 has won. Matt "knock a baby up in a hot basketball playah" Leinart

Conclusive evidence that Ohio State is going to get a damn Gator enima? Am I overly nervous and freaked out by being in another National Championship in this decade? Am I looking for something to mitigate the ridiculously over-confident Buckeye-fandom I keep hearing? YES. YES. And YES.

I'm truly freaked. Even the beautiful and talented Mrs. PK thinks the Buckeyes are going to get rolled. She goes on guts too. Damn it. Of course we both hope we are wrong.

We leave today to party in Arizona. If you are going out to the game, look for the wife and me. We'll be the ones in Scarlet and Gray cheering our asses off.

Until next time, from the desert.

GO BUCKEYES!

PK out.

Fourth & Short Jesus

2007-01-04T09:04:00.000-06:00

If I was any good at this blogging thing I would have been all over how bad Notre Dame blows and they would be made to look a ginormaous South Bend Steamer last night in the Sugar Bowl. It’s nice however that stalwarts like Jeff at BBC are on it like Charlie Weiss on bag full of burritos. Check out just how overrated the Irish are and have been. By the way Jeff, you wrote that thing at 3am. Go to bed will you? Give the rest of us slackers a chance. Damn.

Facts are that I’m not really putting my heart and soul into this blog, but rather trying to perfect my newest invention, The Automatic Cheerleader Upskirt Television Recorder TIVO Device Thingie. It’s a working title for my newest creation that will once and for all prevent missing beauties like the USC Song Girl Megan’s fancy little twirl.

I’m way behind posting this but that’s the point of my new genius invention. Whether I’m home or not this little devil will be scouring the airwaves for the fruits of the perv cameraman everywhere. It might also make it so you can look for “Lee Corso is a penis” signs and other such greatness.

Our little trip to the desert is nigh upon us. We are outta here on Saturday for some serious pregame revelry. I’ll stop by tomorrow to throw down some really haphazard and shoddy analysis and prognostication.

I’m good at haphazard and shoddy.

We Are Football Angels

2006-12-29T12:49:00.000-06:00

So I get this call from a loyal PK Kool-Aid drinking sycophant on Christmas day. (He really didn’t want to be directly quoted herewith so that’s why “sycophant” makes me giggle.) So anyway, ~~Jim~~ Unnamed Source tells me

"Why do these dumb-ass kids always have to F things up so bad? Pittman and Wells (the good one) were at a goddamn fundraiser last night. A fundraiser!? Are you freaking kidding me? It’s pounded into their heads not to do shit like this. It’s pounded into their parent’s heads too. Dammit. I’m hung over. Pass the Absolut Citron. Shit.”

Bottom line is that we were all at least a little worried that these two kids were going to get suspended for the NC. Thanks to a quick thinking fundraiser attendee, a call to the coaching staff was made and the alarms went off. The players and their families took no money instead donating it the local peewee football program.

The aforementioned dumbasses have been cleared and will play in Arizona. Whew. That was a close one. Maybe tOSU should use some of the bajillion dollars the football program produces to provide 24/7 chaperones for these kids. Or perhaps they could invent a sub dermal chip that detects an impending illegal payment and delivers the player enough volts to make them lose all bowel control immediately with the force of a raging river.

If I don’t make it back here before, Happy New Year to you all. Have fun, be safe.

(HT:11W & MotSaG)

Yule Log...Giggle

2006-12-22T10:34:00.000-06:00

I think that we can all agree that Santa is magic. Can’t we? Covering the world in such a short time with a bag full of goods for brats worldwide. So if he’s magic, instead of going to all that trouble why can’t he just twinkle his veiny red nose and make it happen while sitting on his fat derriere drinking very strong cocktails of the bourbon variety….

Speaking of that, I’m on my way home shortly to start a weekend of very similar activities. I’ll manage to keep my shit together well enough at the requisite family functions, but just barely.

Anyway. I’ll do my best to check in over the weekend. Here’s wishing you and yours a very merry and safe Christmas. May the cocktails be plentiful, your teams cover the spread, your stockings be stuffed and your annoying relatives stranded in Denver. Cheers to you all.

Go Buckeyes.

tOSU hoops by 10 over the Gators

Note: Coming next week, I’ll unveil some plans for a new sports-o-tainment blog for ’07 that some buddies and I are doing. (TR & Buffington, I’ll holla) Don’t worry Deadspin or Kissing Suzy, you guys are probably safe. For now, MAWAHAHAHAH!

Donald Trump is Honorable, Giver.

2006-12-19T13:38:00.000-06:00

I would officially like to thank The Donald for giving Miss USA Tara Connor a second chance. She’d been running around acting like every 20-year-old, super-nova hot pageant winner should; Drinking and cavorting until all hours of the Manhattan morning with her roommate. Note: Her roommate is none other than 18-year-old, super-nova hot Miss Teen USA winner Katie Blair.

Seems that Tara was seen pounding down drinks and making out with Katie at NYC hot spots. RAWR. They were also seen dancing provocatively on the tables and carrying out other humanitarian and valorous activities. If this isn’t upholding the duties and conduct required of their respective crowns, then I don’t want to know what those are.

Maybe The Donald can help us out and combine the competitions into one broadcast next year. We’ll have the standard talent, swimsuit and evening gown segments, but then we can integrate a portion of the evening that I’d call something like: Miss USA and Miss Teen contestants pair off, pound a couple glasses of wine, have a pillow fight and let’s just see where this thing goes.” I’ll work on the title, but the concept – Solid.

I tip my hat to you Donald, and I thank you. I’ll be sitting right here at my desk for the next several minutes or so if you need me. I can’t really get up. Know what I mean?

Touching the Buckeye Base today.
Count down to the Desert – 18 days (20 ‘til kick)

Buckeye Basketball
The Buckeyes put the wood to the Iowa State Cyclones by 20 tonight. Grown-Ass Man Greg Oden gets one more tune up game before letting the defending national chumps, Florida, have a piece. That tennis player’s kid, Noah, is going to take one look at Oden and wish he had a spot on the Gator tennis team. Like ball washer. Update: With Leather also weighs in on the equine unit of Oden.

Stuff and such

2006-12-15T13:07:00.000-06:00

I’m going to use the same excuse used by so many for why I haven’t posted since –gasp-- last week. “Hey Man, you know, it’s the holidays. It’s been crazy with all the shopping and holiday parties, scouring the house for re-gifting ideas, and main-lining eggnog.” It’s all a lie, but it sounds good. This, so far, has been a fairly low maintenance Christmas season. My lack of production herein is due to the fact of me being one lazy SOB. I’m just sort of biding my time until the Mrs. and I venture to the desert for the Championship. I plan to step it up as we draw closer to that glorious day. I might even bust off some on-sight reporting. “Reporting live from Tempe embedded with these other drunk assholes, I’m Mr. Penalty Kill.” Anyone else going?

Just a few items to amuse and/or annoy you. (read: fill space. So sue me)

Genius

It is highly questionable to go to an art museum with your buddies. Unless, of course you plan on looking for sublime photo-ops such as this. Turning a painting of JC into a YMCA cheer is beautiful beyond words. With fellows like this looking for these types of opportunities, I submit we are all winners.

Dear Santa

Maybe Papa Noel will bring you one of these for Christmas. Note to Mrs. PK, I’m just joking! Who would really want that? I mean come on. (Believable?)

Haiku for you

Fellow Buckeye Fans
See you in Arizona
We’ll skin Gators

PK out.

Slacker

2006-12-08T13:05:00.000-06:00

I was going to write about this too. Problem is that sometimes I'm about as quick on the trigger as Charlie Weis is on a treadmill. So I’ll let some other folks comment on Brady “I so want to be like dreamboat Tom Brady but I fear my love for wearing pink lace panties and stalking Liza Minelli might hold me back” Quinn winning the Maxwell Award for football player of the year over the deserved winner, your Troy Smith.

As always MotSaG is right there with the goods.

Eleven Warriors, POJO have nice recaps of this award and others.

But I REALLY like this one. The boys over a The M Zone have a take too. These guys love to bash on tOSU for being overly rednecked, overly mustached, overly beered, overly everything. But they are usually funny and have this one right.

Someday I would really like to grow up and be a quick, on-the-money, diligent blogger like these guys. I’d also really like to see a picture of Hillary Clinton shaving her testicles too. I doubt either will happen. (heads up IndyBuckeye)

Heisman
If things go like planned tomorrow, Troy Smith will hear something like this: Here’s your trophy, you freaking badass. Please strike a pretty pose for your complimentary portrait, or a pose of you pretending to do the crazy Smack Dat Ass dance on LLLLLLoyd Carr. Please take your place in history. Congratulations young man you’ve done well.

Lurking in the corner

2006-12-05T18:58:00.000-06:00

I’m not sure what the talk in Central Ohio is, but I can tell you what it’s like out here in the hinterlands. It’s non-stop talk about who is playing Ohio State in the National Championship, or who should be. “Wishigan is the 2nd best team in the country and should get a second chance.” Or “Florida has earned the right to take a crack at Ohio State.” Blah Blah Blah. It’s a rare conversation that includes any more talk about the Buckeyes than them being the other team. Oh and that Meatchicken came in to Columbus and only lost by 3 points to the number 1 team on a very hostile home field. You know what? This is fine with me. I hope that this talk continues for 34 more days.

Please, oh great and wise pundits, forget that Ohio State is a great team and is waiting quietly over in the corner, shining up the ball gag and putting sand in the Vaseline. Just drooling over the chance to cram about 50 points into Urban Meyer’s balloon-knot. (that’s for you POON)

We’ve got so much time to fold spindle and mutilate the stats of these two teams, I’ll save that for later. Just keep talking about Florida and who is not there. Please.

On a personal note: My family lost our matriarch yesterday. A vibrant lady who never had a cross word for anyone. Her version of the “F-word” was "fiddlesticks." She was 90 years old and lived a great life for all but about two months of them. We’ll miss her. I’m using this forum to mention Grandma not for sympathy comments but to say this (actually taking a cue from Mrs. PK.) Be sure to tell your loved ones that they are indeed loved ones, and do it often. Here ends the sappy portion of tonight’s broadcast.

To liven up this thing up and end on a high, I’ll leave you with a punchline from one of my favorite jokes.

“Know it?! I wrote the Mother Fu....!”

leave me comment if you need the first part of the joke. loser.

It's official

2006-12-02T19:20:00.000-06:00

I SUCK.

Way to go Penalty Kill. Good job on early calling the dumbass Trojans. Shit.

GO Florida.

Man, Do I Blow.

Reporting from the field

2006-12-01T22:57:00.000-06:00

I’m Penalty Kill reporting from points foreign. Today, Orlando. These people (read…Hill Jack F’s with about as many teeth as Troy Smith has interceptions on the season) keep talking some silly shit, but I digress.

Anyway, I’m on the road again and these dumbasses want to see a rematch. Fuck that! Come on, I’m in Florida. How ‘bout talking about your precious Gaytors getting a piece of the Buckeyes. Why do these Jerry Springer Fluffers want to see a G#$ D&^% rematch?

Please won’t someone do something to finalize the other spot in the National Championship already? I’m tired of waiting. Mrs. PK is tired of waiting. The dogs of Mr. & Mrs. PK are tired of waiting. We are ticketed and paid up for gosh dang Glendale, let’s get on with this bitch already.

Jeez! Just sayin'

With that said, Fight on USC, Fight on.

Not that I want my Buckeyes to face you specifically. Just saying.

No Blue. Really NO Blue.

Your Booty Stinks

2006-11-28T15:38:00.000-06:00

Since Surfer Pete and his ribbed for her pleasure Trojans are a formality away from a return visit to the National Championship, let’s start looking at Southern Cal. I’m pretty sure I’m not jinxing them. They’re 2 touchdown favorites over cross-town rivals, UCLA. The Westwood Blue Boys ripped off an impressive 4 straight conference losses mid year before pulling their season out of the ditch, to a current 6-5. To be fair they are coming off a road win at ASU and prior to that a Bobby Brown on Whitney Houston bitch slapping of Oregon State. The same Oregon State that beat USC. I know the USC fan will say it was only a scoreboard victory and that the refs had something to do with it. Scoreboard. Having said all that, I think this weekend’s game at the Rose Bowl will be more like the 66-19 of a year ago than the closer games in years before.

So it’s certainly not too early to start with the “Booty” jokes in honor of Southern Cal QB, J. D. Booty. Please join in the fun. I’ll start. Let’s see….how ‘bout.

Buckeyes make a Booty call.

Or perhaps

Surfer Pete puts his Booty in motion

Your turn. I didn't want to take all the good ones. I'm cool like that.

Ok trojanhorse, game on.

Job opening

2006-11-24T10:15:00.000-06:00

Looks like the U will be searching for a new warden/zoo keeper/truant officer/scumbag wrangler. They dumped Head Coach Larry Coker today. I'm pretty sure he'll look back on this and wonder just how in the world he got out of there alive. I hear that he is now looking for a much easier job than trying to guide those criminals, like Killer Whale Proctologist

SWEET

2006-11-21T15:15:00.000-06:00

Too far ahead of the National Championship game to be a jinx.

Troy, Next stop New York City. Bring it home.

I am insane now

2006-11-17T08:35:00.000-06:00

Seriously. I’m a freaking nutbag. We’ve been in God’s country for a little more than a day now and I can’t take it anymore. So this one will be short and sweet.

My boy DER, one of the biggest Buckeye fans I know and consummate pessimist has tOSU losing tomorrow. Stating that scUM’s defensive front four will be able to pressure Troy Smith on their own leaving the rest of the ugly-uniformed-yellow-pants-wearin’-stupid-winged-helmet-mother-f…to lock down the rest of the Buckeye’s offense. Also, between the double threat of Hart and Henne to Manningham, our defense that hasn’t really been tested will give up several big plays. He’s saying something like 24 –13. He’s very knowledgeable about the topic, but here’s the good news. He always has the Buckeye’s losing. Every game this year, save for a couple like Illinois and NW, he’s had Ohio State coming up short. It’s how he rolls.

So this is good news. I’ll take the Bucks. Give me strong performances by Heisman Trophy winner Troy Smith (and his feet), Gonzo, Robiskie, Pittman and Beanie Wells (who will hold on to the ball.) Meatchicken’s offense will rue the day that they ever heard the names Laurinaitis, Gohlston, Pitcock and Antonio Smith. GOLD PANTS BABY! YEAH!

It is with that I say "someone get me a drink and a dark closet where I can sit and rock back and forth in while mumbling, 'thank God it’s not John Cooper, thank God it’s not John Coop…..'"

I can’t take it.

The Ohio State University – 34
the scUM – 17

“So let’s win that old conference now.”

GO BUCKEYES BEAT BLUE

The Game Week & Stuff

2006-11-14T13:54:00.000-06:00

So much for "stepping it up" during Meatchicken Week like I had hoped. Facts are that I, like many others, am starting to lose my damn mind over this game. Actually work is benefiting from this. Strange as it may seem, pouring myself into my job is keeping my mind occupied. I know. Concentrating on work. Crazy shit huh?

So I’m taking this little break to give you what I know you’ve been longing for. You’ve been saying, ‘What pray tell does the venerable Penalty Kill have to say about The Game.’ First of all, get a hold of yourself.

I’ve got a just few items for you.

Please check out The Buckeye Expat for some strong comparisons between QBs and others. This is how pregame analysis is supposed to be done. Based on these numbers I’m hoping it comes down to the quarterbacks. By the way, thanks to the miracle of html, links, internet, whatever, I don’t have to try to churn this kind of work out.

Next: So the Buckeyes are supposed to win this thing. The line is 6 ½. Seems like a crapload of points to have to give up. Normally home field advantage in college football is worth 2 – 3 points. This isn’t normally though. If I were really great at this blogging thing, I’d go find out how the road underdog has done in this rivalry. Just saying, seems like a lot.

Item third: I know I took some playful jabs at Columbus recently but I’m getting tired of hearing how awful our fans are. Yes I’ve seen some bad behavior. In the past I might have been less than a gracious host. But it can’t be the majority, as folks seem to think it is, can it? My request of you, Buckeye Fan, is if you see anyone acting like an asshole. Say something to them like, “Knock it off, jackass. Act you belong here.” I promise you, I will. There are lots of folks that will be doing the same thing. We may not lose the reputation, but we can do our best to make it a false one.

Last: The lovely Mrs. PK and I are leaving tomorrow for Columbus. I can’t wait to get back home to feel the vibe of the city as this game approaches. I’ll also need that time to fill up bags with feces and urine to fling at unsuspecting Meeeshigan fans on Saturday. Oh wait, scratch that.

GO BUCKEYES – Beat blue.

Pre NU and stuff

2006-11-10T16:39:00.000-06:00

Here’s a picture of a football coach. Instead of some generic dad who coaches his kid's Pop Warner team imagine that he’s Illinois head coach Ron Zook. And instead of having a handful of that kid’s jersey pretend he’s got GIANT bags of money ready to hand out to great receivers from across the damn country. Seen over on Deadspin this afternoon is this story about one Arrelious Benn. Highly sought after high school baller from D.C. Rivals.com has him ranked as the #1 receiver and 9th over-all playah. Trying to pick between ND and FSU. Illinois Arrelious? Really? It is with raised eyebrows (I wish I could do the one raised eyebrow trick like Mr. Spock) that I question his decision. Oh sure, Illinois is a program on the rise with a solid future ahead of them……Blah freaking Blah. The Candyman has come to Arrelious with open wallet. Just sayin’.

The Aforementioned Pregame Entry Commenceth.

Northwestern huh? Ryan Field in suburban Chicago. Ohio State is favored by twenty-something. Give the points to whomever will take them. This, dear reader, is going to be what I like to call an Ass Whoopin. Even Tressel-ball won’t be able to slow our boys down.

Butkus Award finalist and tattooed badass James “My dad isn’t the only one who can do an atomic elbow drop off the top turnbuckle” Laurinaitis will score. As will my boy Antonio Smith. That’s 2 TDs for the defense.

Take it to the bank. Plus, if I’m wrong, I can always just come back and edit this later.

tOSU – 38
NU – 10

Ok, Stop with the bald kitty jokes. You're better than that.

My Bitches and Homeys

2006-11-09T14:55:00.000-06:00

Since I’m relatively new to your nation of Blogastavia, I will tell you a couple of the things that I have learned. I have learned to plagiarize if possible and post anonymously when saying something provocative, among many other things. One of the things I have missed the boat on however is posting a Blog roll (Or a list of folks out there that I feel the need to tip my hat to.) These folks all get nearly daily visits from me and deserve to get visits from many more folks. My intention is to try to keep up with these guys after football season is complete. You know tOSU has a little basketball team we might like to follow, etc. But if, by chance, I peter out like Pee Wee Herman at a Jenna Jameson Festival, these boys won’t miss a beat. Budump shoosh. Thank you, Thank you. I’ll be here all week, try the veal.

In no particular order - click here or over here on the right-->
MotSaG
Death Cab For Woody
Double Deuce
BBC
Eleven Warriors
POJO Dojo
Buckeye Blog
The 614
The Buckeye Expat
Around the Oval
PFEF
My Casual Thoughts
Buckeye Commentary

I’ll do a little pregame tomorrow for Northwestern. I sure hope the team cares a hell of a lot more than I do. The Mrs. and I head to C-bus in less than a week and it’s about all I can think about. Thanks again.

Go Buckeyes.

We kick Morgantown's ass

2006-11-07T16:03:00.000-06:00

All right, there. I said it. I'm tired of defending Columbus. We are without a doubt the best couch-burning-riot-having-redneck-town ever. Morgantown, WV? Please. What other city prepares for the biggest battle since they started making footballs oblong by deputizing the garbage collectors as Couch Sheriffs? So here’s to you, denizens of our fair burg. You make a man proud. From the Dogpatch:

If trash collectors spot a couch, they are asked to call code-enforcement officers. More than 200 citations have been issued since a citywide ban on porch couches began 17 months ago, said Development Director Mark Barbash.

Also. I can’t find this on youtube.com so go to this enemy site and watch a clip from the Daily Show, when they were at The Ohio State University. Funny stuff.

That's what she said

2006-11-06T15:42:00.000-06:00

The beautiful Mrs. Penalty Kill has been to exactly two college football games in the entirety of her young life. First, the glorious Ohio State win over hated Miami in the National Championship Game. I mean this was her first college football game EVER. What a way to start. (side note: I rock. I know this because I took my then girlfriend to a game like that. I know. Total badass.)

And the second one was…you ask? Texas at Ohio State. (See the above statement about my badassedness and replace “girlfriend” with “wife.”)

Since then she’s started to watch a lot of the games and has really begun to get into it. For getting such a late start, she’s becoming quite the college football fan. Even to the point of watching games not involving tOSU. I’ve said all this just to set up that she’s pretty new at this. Agreed? Good.

As you may have read earlier I was out of town this weekend and had to get some updates via telephone from her. It was with a fair amount of pride and a roughly equal part recoil I heard her say,

“Ohio State looks like shit!” (Paraphrasing a bit from here on.) “Troy Smith looks like shit, plus that kid you like so much #28, fumbled and looks like shit.” “They’re letting Illinois stay in this game.” “I thought Illinois was supposed to suck.” “Tressel better let these kids know that there is another game between now and the game that they are obviously thinking about right now.” “If they play like this against Michigan, we’re going to get our asses kicked.” “Hey look, there’s a sale at Penney’s”

My only point here is that if she can see it so plainly then it must be true. The Buckeyes escaped Champagne-Urbana (dumb name) with their lives. And clearly looked "like shit."

As my boy DER said, it is like we went from two eventualities – a 13th game and a Heisman for TS – to none. I really hope Troy has a couple of very strong games and gets his Trophy and that this game didn't hurt him too badly. Though, I'm sure every QB winner has had a questionable game along the way. As for the other, our Buckeyes need to heed my bride’s advice…Get your shit together, kick Northwestern’s asses until they’re purple, then get pumped for UM, and finally never wear horizontal stripes if you are a large woman. All very sound, I think.

I plan to be kicking it up a notch over the next week so check back soon. That is until we leave Texas for Columbus next Wednesday. GO BUCKS.

Illinois Pre-game

2006-11-04T11:09:00.000-06:00

Once again, I'm having to miss a game due to work. What the....? It's really starting to get my bloomers in a bunch. I'm out in Seattle, (the land of DeathCab, sup dude?) which means there are football games on at 9:ooam. Which normally would blow, but since I'm not able to see much football this weekend I'll take what I can get. Even if it is Wishconsin v State Penn or Texas Tech v. Baylor.

Two side notes. If you haven't looked into the kook that is Mike Leach the head coach of Texas Tech yet. Do your funny bone a favor and check him out. He is more than just a creator of one of the most tricked up crazy-assed teams you'll see but he's a huge fan of pirates. That's a lower case "p." Not the Pittsburgh baseball team or anything like that he's a fan of the old school "Arrrrrgggghhh, Shiver me timbers you scallawag" type pirate. In fact each off season he chooses to learn about some other topic. Such as Geronimo, Daniel Boone, whales, chimpanzees, grizzly bears. This dude cracks me up.

Second side note. I just saw the Nissan commercial about the Heisman Trophy. The Buckeye Blog had a week or so ago, but I must've missed it. I like it a lot. But our mascot isn't really very tough so they just had to make is as big as former planet Pluto and roll over everyone. Not a bad analogy by Nissan, but sometimes I do wish we had a tougher mascot. Like Indiana, er uh, oh hell. Watch the video.

OSU - 39
Ill - 10

This just in.

2006-11-01T12:19:00.000-06:00

Looks like Sparty is sick and tired of having a crappy football team. So instead of shit-canning the entire program like they should they are taking the easy way out.

The are firing J. L. Smith today effective at the end of the season.

I sorta called this, which makes me pretty smart. Not really, I just like seeing that in print. I'll go off line now and write some more really cool crap about myself.

Rock the vote

2006-11-01T08:42:00.000-06:00

Go here - Vote for Troy – and do your duty as a Buckeye. If you aren’t a Buckeye do it anyway. As Wilford Brimley once said, “it’s the right thing to do.” It doesn’t matter if he was talking about Quaker Oats or snuffing out Tom Cruise, I think it translates here.

Here’s the skinny. (I didn’t know this or at least didn’t remember.) In 1999, The Heisman Trophy folks decided to develop a “special program” to allow we, the huddled masses, to have a say in the vote. Pretty cool, huh? We get one. ONE! We don’t each get one -- we get to share one. So why not have our guy win that one vote? Last I checked, somewhere around 100,000 votes have been cast and TS is getting the shit kicked out of him by that kid at WVU by like 500%. He’s number two but barely ahead of future bikini model, Brady Quinn. Heck even the Mormons have revved up their PCs at the Tabernacle and put their guy in 4th.

Let’s help pull this thing out of the ditch. Pass the word around. Thanks to The Buckeye Blog for the heads up.

The ballot is supposed to be set up so you can only vote once per week, but if you clear out your cookies/history you can keep voting.

By the way -- One more Heisman Trophy for the Buckeyes and they’ll be tied for the lead with ND and USC with 7.

No thanks!

2006-10-30T11:05:00.000-06:00

Ok, let me just say this first so as to keep from getting in Dutch with the Karma Monkey. Hypothetically speaking. Let’s just say that neither the Buckeyes nor the UM Skunk Bears barf on themselves, and both arrive in the Shoe for the battle of the millennium, November 18th unscathed. There. I should be good now.

I think I’m alone in this one. Seriously, does anyone else not want a second Ohio State v. Meatchicken game this year? I’ve heard it referenced several times, in Ohio State blogs, news groups, my family, I even think the ESPN folks have floated it out. So maybe it’s just me. But I don’t want anything to do with such an idea. Oh yeah, from the outside it probably looks like a terrific idea. Two storied programs sticking it to the rest of the college football world by playing two times in a row. The first one for the Big Ten title, the next for the National Championship and complete sovereignty over the entire known universe.

For me The Game is The Game. It shouldn’t be sullied, particularly by a second match-up in the same season. Part of my problem with this comes from a “glass-half-empty” perspective. And that is, what if the Buckeyes were to lose? Can you imagine the decades of hearing the Meeeeshigan people reminding us that we can forget about our regular season record because they own us in National Championships? The HORROR. I’d rather watch Rosie O’Donnell do nude squat thrusts than have to hear that from Them. Ok sure, we could and should win a game like that but is it worth the risk? I can take a loss to a Pac10 or SEC team much easier that a loss to TTUN.

I'd like to think that the Buckeyes will school them in the Shoe and be done with it. Let us then move on to kicking the shit out of, say West Virginia, or Louisville, or any one of a number. I don’t care, you pick one, just not Mistagain. I’m already a nervous wreck about this year’s scheduled Game. Heaven forbid, if I had to put my dear wife through another month of sphincter tightening, hand wrenching, binge drinking and possibly a new crack or heroine problem. I’m quite sure I couldn’t handle it.

I’m usually a “half-full” guy so this is a weird stance from me. It’s neither really well thought out nor well argued but it’s the way I feel, so there. I will stomp my feet and hold my breath if you don’t like.

The Buckeye Blog is looking forward to deciphering the possibilities of how this game could happen.

Hypothetically speaking of course.

No TV for you.

By the way, to the boys at The M Zone, good luck with the live play-by-play blogging you are talking about doing this weekend. Very ambitious. My advice? Go to a bar and drink like any respectable Big 10er should do. They do have bars in A2 right? It’s a rhetorical question, because I know that there are bars there. I half remember being in one. I was one of those loud mouthed, drunken, cammo wearing, belligerent tOSU fans you all like to talk about. Hey at least I admit it. I’ve changed a lot since my school days. I don’t wear cammo anymore.

I smell varmit poon.....

2006-10-27T07:21:00.000-05:00

My dad is a former OSU Marching Band member and a past “i Dotter” to boot. So this item means a lot to my family and me. The list of non-TBDBITL “i Dotters” is a short one. Folks like Bob Hope, former tOSU Presidents Gee and Fawcett, former band director Droste and some fellow named Wayne Woodrow “Woody” Hayes have been honored with the opportunity to be led to the top of the i by the drum major during Script Ohio. Now the Golden Bear, or as he was once called “the Blob O” will have that honor tomorrow during the Buckeyes homecoming game. I do hope that the TV folks recognize how cool this is and let us folks out here in the hinterlands see it.

This is hallowed ground Jack and you deserve it. Just remember what our TBDBITL brothers say, "Pick Up Your Feet, Turn Your Corners Square, and Drive, Drive, Drive!" Or as the TBDBITL Alumni say, “At least don’t fall down.” (right Dad?)

Keeping it in the family.

My dad’s dad, played football at the University of Minnesota. So I’ve always had a little love for the Gophers. He played back in the days when helmets were optional. As if those minimally padded leather WWI pilot helmets thingies were going to protect much. His nose was spread around his face a bit too, proof that face masks were not only not invented yet, but also for pussies. Family lore has it that he played against former President Gerald Ford from Meatchicken. So it is with no hard feelings that I say that the Buckeyes will kill them on Saturday. tOSU will rack up at least 45 points on the Gophers and win with ease. Happy homecoming.

Buckeyes – 48
Gophers – 10

I Don't Feel Tardy

2006-10-23T09:22:00.001-05:00

The theme today children, is “better late than never.” Since I’ve never claimed to be on the cutting edge of blogging, technology or anything for that matter, I’m just now getting to these items. First off is one Antonio Smith. Damn it, do I like this kid!

Antonio Smith, a fifth-year senior and former walk-on from Beechcroft High School, gained the defensive honor after a career-high 12 tackles, including a sack, as the OSU defense put the clamps on Indiana quarterback Kellen Lewis.

There are a freakin’ plethora of douche bags playing college football. Even our beloved tOSU has had a couple. So it’s nice to see when a kid comes through like this one. It’s a common enough story, city kid who is raised by his Granny, who brings him up with the right mixture of tough love and paddling his ass. But this kid is a role model. He began his Ohio State career as a walk-on and after four years gets the scholarship love. All the while, making the most of his non-scholarship time working hard and keeping his nose clean, yet he has enough flare to mix in a little high-step on the way to scoring on an interception in the State Penn game. (Even though he claims he didn't mean to do it if he did) It hit me today when I read this in the Dogpatch.

"I’m not a star or anything. I’m just an average player, an average guy in mechanical engineering just trying to fulfill my responsibility the best I can."

I was the exact same way when I was at Ohio State -- except replace “Mechanical Engineering” with “Sleeping off a hangover and missing classes” and “fulfill my responsibility” with “Sleep off a hangover so I can go out this afternoon and get hammered.”

Welcome to adulthood young man, you can be proud of yourself.

Ode to the Statue of Liberty Play

It's about a week old or so, but this is one crazy-assed play. Watch how this running back crab-walks up behind the line, hiding behind the linemen who are setup cheek to cheek.

Football Talk

Minnestoma - I'll do my best to muster up the strength to talk about this game later in the week. As if anyone gives a damn. This one and others are just stepping stones to get to the "game of the millennium" on 11/18. Wake me up then.

Pregame and Stuff

2006-10-20T09:54:00.000-05:00

Thanks to alert TPK Kool-aid drinker, JB, who took a well-needed break from his high-powered job as Chief Unicorn Tinkle Collector to find this very funny clip. You might have also seen on a little site called gorillamask but don’t worry about that so much right now.

It might only be funnier if in the background Lloyd Carr was getting bitch-slapped by Phyllis Diller, Andrew Dice Cay and couple of chimps in WWE Raw Cage Match.

Ok…So…Now it’s the weekend and the little Hoosiers come to the ‘Shoe with BIG hopes. Can we all agree that the Buckeyes just need to keep from falling asleep in this game? (And the others between now and November 18th for that matter.) I’d be tickled to see a first half consisting of about 35 points for tOSU. Then let's get some more quality mop-up time for the 2nd and 3rd stringers in the third stanza. Finally, how 'bout we give Brutus and the cheerleaders some reps in the fourth. So much for IU pre-game coverage from me.

tOSU – 54
IU – 14

Midweek Prattle Redux

2006-10-18T15:35:00.000-05:00

A couple items that are making my brain itch. So please humor me while I scratch.

It is time to head up to the local Sears to buy a new washer and dryer set. Pretty interesting how the two decided to die at the exact same damn time. Tell the JFK and 9-11 folks we’ve got a hot conspiracy down here in Dallas. Were the two talking to each other? Both were made by Maytag. Hmmmm. I too am blaming it on the Cubans or the Mob, or both. Yeah….Both.

There’s TONS of new “Personal Domicile Laundry” technology these days. I’m pretty sure you can program these new sets to teleport your clothes from the hamper upstairs to the washer, then dry, fold and put ‘em away before your Hungry Man dinner is done. Can all those options and electronics be necessary? Probably not, except of course for if it can also tell me when I’m running low on beer, weed or nacho fixings.

Ants In His Pants in Bloomington

I’m very pleased for Terry Hoeppner, Hoosier head coach. He’s successfully undergone brain surgery in the last year. Not just once, but twice. Which is great, as I can’t imagine the trauma, rehab and unfortunate hair that would accompany the surgeries. One problem, though, I think the doctors must’ve had a part left over when they closed him back up. You know when you put together the crappy particleboard entertainment center from Wal-mart and have those 2 screw-like items left? Like that.

The pieces missing from his brain have to do with the area that makes him remember he’s the coach of INDIANA. A win at Illinois (stinko yes, but it was on the road) and a big upset when Iowa visited last week tell the tale. He clearly doesn’t remember that he’s not supposed to get his kids whipped up into a frenzy and think they could beat Ohio State. They should be going to class and watching Gene Hackman movies instead.

"Some people called it an upset last week, and I guess, technically, it was," Hoeppner said. "If we win the game this week, it would probably be considered an upset again. But that’s what we’re intending to do."

“Probably”?? Damn straight Brutha. That would be an upset of an epic proportion.

Well that’s the last thing we need. I know the Buckeyes are favored by 30 points this week, but this guy is walking around with a brain built by a committee that is filled with crazy ideas. Is there a brain doctor in the house?

Thuggery at the U, Really?

2006-10-17T13:00:00.000-05:00

What did this idiot do to get a job broadcasting football games? Lamar Thomas should be the anchorman for the South Florida Penitentiary closed-circuit 6 o’clock “Watch Your Ass – Eyewitness News,” not a sideline reporter in the real world. This dude was a punk scumbag extraordinaire when he was a “playah” at the U. He hasn’t changed. I know you’ve heard the story, if not, go here. So back to my question. What did this turd do to get a job at Comcast? Has anyone seen the interviewer since the interview, or did they just take Thomas’ word for it that the interviewer really said

"'My shit were good and I should be on the TV like a mutha-f…’”

They got what they deserved.

Come to think of it, Hey #13 Former Denver Bronco! We’ve got a gig for you after your hitch in the Gray-Bar Hilton is over. You too can be a sideline dumbass…er reporter, though not in the Big Ten. We’ll need you to go down south, way down south.

I’ll chime in on the looming dogfight with the Hoosiers a little later. I know they think that after this week the Big10 will be the Big 3 and the Little 8. However, they might want to tap the breaks just a little on that. More later. Go Bucks.

Hasta La Vista, Senor Smith

2006-10-13T10:40:00.000-05:00

I'm never one to mess with a man's livelihood. He should be able to do his job, feed his family, pursue life, liberty and happiness etc. Even if he is really shitty at doing his job, as long as it doesn’t affect me, who am I to say one way or the other?

So far John L. Smith, MSU head coach, hasn’t really bothered me too much. I did hate how he choked against Notre Dame, like Mama Cass on a ham sammy. But all in all I’m fine with him.

Now, having said all that if, as collateral damage from a 30 point ass-stompin’ from the Scarlet and Gray tomorrow J.L. were to get the axe….I’m down with that. I would love nothing more from this weekend to have the Buckeyes hang half a hundred on Sparty and come back home uninjured and happy. If that goofy ass coach up there loses his gig for it, darn.

So here’s to you folks at SackSmith. May you get your wish and hear the Buckeye Battle Cry in your dreams.

tOSU – 42
Sparty – 13

Yeah, I know. It’s a lot of points but I don’t think Tressel-ball can slow down TS , TG2, Gonzo and the boys

Coming to a Ryan's Steakhouse

2006-10-10T15:51:00.000-05:00

This just in.

From the Austin Statesman -

Bevo XIII, longest tenured Texas mascot dies. AUSTIN — Bevo XIII, the longest-tenured mascot in Texas Longhorn history, is gone to the big ranch in the sky.
The retired mascot died Monday on the private ranch where he lived with his successor, Bevo XIV, the Silver Spurs spirit club announced Tuesday

Insert beef jokes here. I'll start. "Where's the beef?"

I think it was the shocker he recieved from these boys.

Sparty Schmarty

2006-10-10T15:10:00.000-05:00

Even though it is cool (for Dallas 65 is cool), gray and rainy, which is perfect for college football season, I am non-plussed by the Buckeyes pending match-up in E.L., MI this weekend. It’s only Tuesday, so I’m sure that I’ll get a lot more worked up about it as we move through the week but right now, it’s a yawner.

Even when the Sparty’s are good, they elicit very little emotion from me. Probably because they are the weak Michigan sister. Or, because they’re from East Lansing. They’re green. Astroturf. They just seem so nondescript to me.

Oh sure, I remember a #1 Ohio State team taking one in the wedding tackle when MSU came to our Dojo in 1998. Damn you John Cooper. Still, it’s freaking Michigan State. To me MSU seems like the “special” kid on the short bus who wears a helmet, but he’s big and ornory enough that you don’t constantly pick on him, but he’s still a “special” helmet-wearin’ short bus rider.

Maybe to perk myself up, I’ll start hoping that John L. Smith will either lose his mind or his job or better yet both, after the Buckeyes whip their ass. That would make Mongo happy. Mongo like.
Like I said earlier, I know I’ll get more into it later in the week. Right now I’ve lost energy to talk about this thing.

BigBuckeye Exposed

2006-10-06T21:09:00.000-05:00

Hi, I’m Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC. So what did you plan on doing here this afternoon?

BigBuckeye: Nothing, I was just going to talk.

But your emails to LilSweetBGSU say something different. Don’t they? You said, quote. “BGSU, why don’t you come down to my place and let’s get a little rough.” That sounds like more than just chatting to me.

BigBuckeye: Honestly I just thought BGSU needed a friend.

Then you said: “You should see the size of my defense….Would you like to see my big fat interception machine?” “Maybe you’ll let me lay you flat on your back and embarrass you in front of my friends.” You know that this is just a MAC team don’t you?

BigBuckeye: Yes, but I just wanted to hang out and get some reps for my second stringers.

Really? What did you mean by, “Wait you til I whip out my #10 on you?” And “I can’t wait to lay about 45 points on your ass?” Did you plan to even let BGSU score?

BigBuckeye: Of course, I would let them score 6, maybe even 10. Like I said, I just wanted to be friends.

After this break, Dateline NBC’s “To Catch an Ass-Whooper” we’ll ask BigBuckeye what he was after when he said. “My little Teddy is fast as lightning and will run right up your backside.”

BigBuckeye – 42
LilSweetBGSU - 9

Cocktails....Good.

2006-10-05T22:28:00.000-05:00

This is certainly a milestone in blog history, at least in mine. As I mentioned earlier I’m on the road attending a trade show. The milestone comes in since I’ve spent 10 hours on the trade show floor glad handing, then had a three very dry Grey Goose martini dinner meeting and now I’m attempting an entry to The PK. I’ll try to be brief because after a few martinis I might be prone to ramble. Hey, look. The hated Seminoles are losing to NC State in the 4th. See, I told you.

I followed Double Deuce’s link to the SI article about the depth of tOSU’s receiving corps. I love that kind of pub. The Buckeyes are deep as hell at that position and must be giving defensive coordinators real trouble in game planning. TG2 gets so much attention that Gonzo is the leading pass catcher on the team and there are a bunch of others that need to get defensive looks too. Robiskie and Hartline to name a couple. The Buckeyes are really good at receiver, surprisingly to many.

However, and I might be nitpicking a bit, (see Martinis above,) the SI article says, “in-state rivals Bowling Green.” Rivals? Really? Not even close. First of all, Ohio State hasn’t had any in-state rivals since…..call Jack Park….in a long damned time. We played BGSU maybe 4 times in school history and won them all? My crack staff tells me that this stat is close to being correct. If you could see the rat-trap hotel in Baltimore at which I’m staying you would definitely agree that I have a “crack” staff. The Buckeyes have only a few opponents that warrant the moniker ‘rival.’ It’s a sacred term reserved for, first of all, scUM. And then in my opinion State Penn, Notre Dame and Otterbein….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
….huh? What the….? Sleep. Need Sleep.

Can I retire yet?

2006-10-03T11:04:00.000-05:00

Work can really get in the way of the college football season. The powers that be in the trade show world should realize that there are 12 Saturdays in the fall that should be left the hell alone. Don’t schedule your silly conventions, trade show or torture sessions on any one of them. Capiche? At least two times during the Buckeye’s season each year I find myself having to get updates via my cell phone’s internet connection, or running around the convention hall looking for a TV tuned to something other that “Conference Room Assignments at the Turdville Convention Center.” This weekend is one of those weekends. Luckily, it’s the stinko Falcons of Bowling Green.

What’s the line on this one? Probably not the 63 points that Mack Brown’s Longhorns failed to cover last week against Sam Houston State. Mack? Tsk Tsk. Why schedule a game like that? The Big Ten has a history of playing the MAC. This year the two play 19 times, with almost half being hosted by the MAC teams. Oh, and by the way they are a D1 conference. So anyway, the Buckeyes are favored by 35 points. If I have to miss watching a game, this one is the one I’d choose.

It bears noting that the Falcons have played the Buckeyes tough in the past. Now this certainly isn’t the BGSU team that took the Buckeyes to the end the game in 2003. tOSU needed a late turnover to close the deal. That BG team had a ton of seniors but this one doesn’t. So the Buckeyes should clearly kill them.

They make these computers portable now days so I’m strapping it up and taking it with me. I’ll do my best to post while I’m gone. In case I can’t…..Buckeyes 42 – Falcons 6. I reserve the right to amend my prediction, as I will undoubtedly remember that 42 points is a ridiculous amount of points to ask Coach T to roll up.

A thought about going through airport security. Would it be uncool, if when you see a person wearing scUM gear in a line near you, to tell the TSA agent that you saw that person stuff something up their butt? Probably not cool, unless of course it is the week of The Game.

Go Bucks. Work Sucks.

Is this Heaven...

2006-10-02T10:31:00.000-05:00

Or the scene of a beating?

If you look on the Iowa map you’ll see something very interesting in a state that is littered with little tiny towns. First you’ll need to locate Fiery-Competitor-burg. Now look west and see if you can find Whiney-puss-Pink-Hello-Kitty-panties-wearing-pouter-ville. Got it? Right between the two is Drew Tate. Saturday night, I got really tired of hearing just how great a competitor this dude is. “He’s such a leader, Kirk. He read Lance Armstrong’s book and now he can cure cancer with his competitiveness. His jock strap is made out of gold plated chutzpah.” Blah Yada Blah. He’s cost his team yards in the past for spiking the ball because he didn’t like the way the other kids were treating him on the jungle gym. He pounds on the ground, pouts on the sidelines, holds is breath and stomps his feet. Waaaaaaah! (OK, I made up the part about him holding his breath. And the part about the Hello Kitty Panties.) Anyway, the kid annoys me. I did however appreciate his 19 of 41 and 3 interceptions. Daddy Like. As PFEF says, he did get some yards, but with 41 attempts Herky fans would expect to have well over 300 yards in the air.

My post-game recap? Two words. Good Ole Fashioned Ass Whoopin’. I loved it. The Buckeyes went into Kinnick and punched the Hawks right square in the face. Here’s to their crowd though, they’d did their best to stay in the game through the first half or so. There weren’t many Ohio Staters in attendance either. Which means that unlike the “Greatest Fans Ever” in Austin, nobody was selling their tickets. Good for them.

Can we please arrange for Lee “Baby Arm” Corso to don the opponent’s mascot head every week? Lee! Keep it up buddy. Whatever you do, do not read the sport pages. They contain really scary nasty things like commentaries about what really happens during football games and (GASP) stats of said games. You don’t need to bother your pretty bulldog looking head with trivialities such as these. They might help you get a freakin' clue which we wouldn't want you to do. We love that you keep getting it wrong. Next up Lee, Freddie the Falcon. Dope.

By the way, I'm falling in love with Beanie Wells. Really. Does this kid remind anyone else of the Great #27? He had almost 80 yards with one of the carries a 19 yarder. He's not going to carry the mail this season the way Pittman is playing, but I'm very excited about this kid's future.

Lee Corso is a....

2006-09-29T10:31:00.000-05:00

What good would a blog that claims to be even a little sportsy be with out at least one entry about the “Keys To The Game?” Who cares, they’re STUPID. My buddies and I joke about it all the time. (click <--)

Mungville State HAS to win the turnover battle to prevail today.

Sillytown U needs to make a bunch of first downs to keep Pimpled Tech on their heals.

Here’s a good one.

The NM Lettuce-Pickers need to take the crowd out of the game early, the longer they let the Border Mounties stay in the game the more dangerous this game will become for them.

Well, No shit.

SCORE MORE POINTS!

This is not to say that there isn’t value or fun in breaking down a game attempting to prognosticate an outcome. Figuratively pitting one team’s secondary to the passing efficiency of the other. It gives me a little tired-head getting too deep into the X’s and O’s but a careless, haphazard and cursory look at the Ohio State @ Iowa game seems appropriate. So here goes.

Neidermeyer. Dead...Marmalard. Dead...Drew Tate……
This kid is good. He didn’t play in the game against Syracuse where the Hawkeyes needed overtime to close the deal but he’s been very solid this year. He’s quick and has a rocket arm. He needs a dag-gum 3 1/2 hour case of Dick-in-the-dirt-itis administered by the OSU defense. He won’t make many mistakes on his own so the boys up front need to make his night rough. The Buckeye secondary has improved game by game this year and look up to the task of wrapping up the Iowa receivers.

Magic Legs
We haven’t seen Troy Smith do much with his feet yet this campaign. In fact, if there has been a called play for Smith to run on purpose, I can't remember it. Look for that this game, if necessary. I’d like to keep those in the quiver for later in the season, say late November. But, good protection for TS and a mobile pocket will afford him a bunch of options.

Look at that little Teddy Run
TG2 hasn’t run a punt or kick off return back yet this year. For those of you scoring at home that’s 16 attempts with out a money shot. That’s enough to make a man very crabby. Love to see that change this weekend.

Teddy and the rest of the receiving corps should have a good night. Iowa’s secondary would have a tough time against them on a good day but they’re banged up right now. Big advantage to the good guys.

Stinky Pinky Locker room
Hayden Fry had the visitor's locker room Iowa's place painted pink many years ago. What affect it has on the visiting team isn’t clear. What is clear though, is what affect it has on a visiting team ranked #1 in the country. BUBKUS! Nada. Zilch. Jack-shit. Iowa has never beaten a #1 team in Kinnick Outhouse.

Ok, I’m spent. Next time I get the urge to do this I think I’ll just try to say something pithy and move on to the prediction. Like this.

So the Bartender says….”Why the long face?”

tOSU – 27 (which means mixing in FG or two , or more likely missing a PAT)
Iowa - 17

XOXOXOXO

Go Buckeyes Beat Iowa

Some Midweek Prattle

2006-09-27T13:53:00.000-05:00

I’ve said this before and I'll say it again, I should’ve just kept on walking when I got the handshake. The lovely DH and I went out for a nightcap after gorging on raw fish. Sounds like we are penguins or seals or something…. Shhh! Look! There are the elusive Wild Hopkins’ gorging on fish plucked directly from the icy river. Rarely are we lucky enough to see this happen. Look how they then dip the raw fish into a craftily made mixture of soy sauce and wasabi.

Anyway, I was introduced to this woman who stuck her hand out for a handshake. I said “I’m Andy, How are you?” First off it was a horribly weak handshake, (see Handshakes) but then she took a second before answering me. She was reading my shirt, which happened to be a “Scoreboard” shirt from the Ohio State/Texas asswhoopin’....er....game. She then said, “I don’t like you,” while at the very same time punching me square in the sternum. Hard. I pretended it didn’t hurt but it kinda did. I was thinking this little freak just punched me in the chest exactly 30 seconds after meeting me. Man do I have a touch with the women folk? I’m guessing she’s a Texas fan.

It would probably been ok if she didn’t look like a product of some farm mating experiment gone wrong. Maybe she forgot about one of the steps in the “Stop Drop and Roll” fire escape plan. If Tom Kite and somebody really ugly were performing the “Eiffel Tower” with the only female Oompa Loompa….Ok, enough. Next.

Iowa. Dun dun duhhhhhh!

I’m getting nervous about the pending Ohio State skirmish with Radar O’Rielly’s Iowa Hawkeyes. I’m more nervous about being confident that the Buckeyes will win than about the game. Weird? I just sort of know that we’ll win. That bugs the crap out of me. I’m supposed to be very weary for every game even the cream puffs like Bowling Green or Syracuse. (gotcha JB) The prescription for this malady might just be to go read the Iowa City “We’re hicks from a flat-ass state with nothin’ but corn, but at least we aren’t South Dakota” Times Register Picayune Intelligencer Reporter Coloring Book. There I hope to find some articles talking about how the Hawkeyes are the land mine in the Buckeyes march toward the holy land. I hope I find it, because right now my prediction is that tOSU takes Iowa to their own woodshed and blisters their hind ends through their well-worn overalls. Maybe I'm just a little wound up or possibly it's gas.

More later.

State Penn Blows

2006-09-21T13:53:00.000-05:00

State Penn needs an ass-whoopin’ like nobody's business. I mean they need a hide tanning of epic proportions. EPIC! Ohio State needs to go Reginald Denny on their chump asses. The girlie Lions are quickly climbing my ladder of DoucheBagocity toward the pole-sitter scUM. Yeah, yeah, I know, and you’re right. It's partly because they beat the Buckeyes last year in Crappy Valley. But it is also because of their stupid "White-out." And their obnoxious, nearing violent treatment of my sainted parents last year, when they really had my folks fearing for their safety. Assholes. Also contributing to this list is the never-to-be-forgotten-63-14-masacre of 1994. Yep. It’s official. I can’t stand PSU.

I certainly don’t buy in to the “Joe Pa is a great, I hope he can win and go out on top” malarkey. That theory is complete crap. I just want him to go. Retire already would you? I don’t want to get too personal with JP, but he really looks like he smells like banana pudding, Old Spice and feet. Shallow and petty enough for you? How ‘bout the bobblehead pictured herewith? Do you think he’s got editorial control on this item? Damn straight. Did they use his high school graduation picture as the model? He looks more like a skinny John Candy than the two-thousand year old man. I think I’ll make my bobblehead look like Matthew McConaughey, who coincidentally just smells like feet.

Official prediction, keeping in mind that I’m becoming awesome at this prognostication stuff.

Ohio State - 34
State Penn Nitany Suckholes – 13

Go Buckeyes!

Oh by the way. Happy anniversary to the lovely and talented Mrs. H. ILY

Meanderings

2006-09-21T13:11:00.000-05:00

Because of traveling and having folks at the house, my awesomely prolific (read crappy) blog has been in need of more words. I’m not sure how these guys who write everyday do it – unless it’s their job. I know a lot of them are teams of dudes who combine talents to put out a blog. Sounds a little like cheating to me, not only because they team up but these bastards have talent. So if I’m not writing as much, the quality of the writing has to be much better, because I'm saving up all the good stuff. Right? Right, just like a nail-gun shot to the testicles is better than a Gatling gun barrage of nail-gun shots to the testicles.

Here are a few quickies.

This guy, a central Ohio resident who was serving in Iraq, has been seen all over the web in the last several months. I love that he has a tOSU flag in Iraq. Secondly, he’s got the little future insurgents spelling out O-H-I-O. Hey, IED making, suicide bombing great nephew of Saddam……O-H.

It is sad however to report that Sgt. Adam Knox of Whitehall, OH was killed in action in Iraq recently. It makes the rah rah college football stuff pretty insignificant. I’ve even seen this referenced on a UM site. I’d like his family to know that their son is being talked about and many are grateful for their sacrifice.

What has to go through a guys mind to say, “Ah, I don’t need that ring anymore, it was only a NCAA National Championship ring.” Ross was a freakin team captain for Pete’s sake. He did kick around in the NFL for a while, so I don’t think he’d need the money. I’d like to have it, though I’d never wear out of the house seeing as how I didn’t earn and all. But how cool would it be to have one? There’s another one on Ebay but you can’t see the players name. It's a shame to see someone feel like it is necessary and OK to let one of these go. It can't have meant much to them to start with. Oh sure, there's the argument that he was there and participated in the game so he's got the memories. Poppycock. I'd want that ring on my finger. It would give me many more opportunities to "Tell you who I am."

Side note: I think it is tremendous that even though it is a National Championship ring, the score of the Game (tOSU v. scUM) is on it. Goes to show how big that game is.

Tomorrow: State Penn @ tOSU prediction. Hold on to your bets until you hear from me.

Tickets? We don't need no stinking....

2006-09-14T14:50:00.000-05:00

It's a tough question to answer. What college football team's fans travel the best? Meaning, who has the most folks show up with and without tickets. Obviously my answer would have to be the Banana Slugs of UC Santa Cruz. Of course I think the Buckeyes do. I'm not sure exactly how or why this is though.

Does the Ohio State Alumni Association just have so many folks around the country that they are bound to have a big crowd where ever the team plays? Probably. Or is it because the fan base for the Buckeyes is so fanatical that people will go no matter where it is like Marines hitting a beach? Yep.

Last week in Austin was a great example. Popular estimates were that there were 40,000 Ohio State fans in town for 4,000 allotted tickets. My estimates are that there were 1,000,000 Buckeye fans in town. (I had a few drinks) Really though I do think that 15,000+ OSU fans got into the game. It was the same in Tempe a few years ago. We owned that town. I've never seen another alumni group with this sort of attendance. It's awesome and I'm proud to be part of it.

Pictured above is the scene from UT's basketball arena jam-packed with Ohio Staters. A Texas official said that there were more people there that day than the last UT men's basketball game. I'm not surprised, really. They served BEER.

I'm on the road for work for the weekend. See you Monday.

Hey Buddy, Got a Light?

2006-09-13T16:05:00.000-05:00

So I pretty much nailed my prediction about the Buckeyes beating the Longhorns. Well, I got the Bucks score right. Who knew how wonderful a combination of a Frosh QB and a surprisingly not crappy OSU defense would be? Texas was, however, able to run on OSU’s defense, which would be troublesome if we didn’t know that Tressel will take the boys to the woodshed this week and every week following until they actually learn to tackle. More on this trip later, once the pictures are all compiled.

While in Austin last week, it might surprise you to know that I saw nary a single couch on fire. Seriously. Not ONE! What is the matter with these pansy-assed UT fans? Hello?! It is perfectly in order to burn furniture, dumpsters, cars, farts, trees, books, bras or really anything that will hold a flame. Don’t these hicks no how to party “Detroit-style?”

I think this is a relatively new thing. Back in my day we would have an occasional vehicle with MeatChicken plates pass through the campus area, which would obviously have to be overturned. Duh. But I think this lighting shit on fire is genius. It makes Ohio and Ohio State look so very high-toned. I think it really makes our fair city, Columbus, look attractive and wonderful. Just like a Phyllis Diller home made sex tape.

Straighten up Jack-Asses. Go back to Whitehall or GroveTucky. If you are actually a student, drop out and go to MTA or whatever the truck driving academy is and stop cheering for The Ohio State University. We don’t want you. DeVry has a pretty good crop of freshmen this year. Cheer for them.

A break from what?

2006-09-06T08:04:00.000-05:00

I know one should really do something before one takes a sabbatical. But I've got a good, if not great excuse. I've got 8 fraternity brothers coming into town to party it up for a couple days. Then we head to Austin for the Ohio State/Texas game. I'll be too busy to make any entries for the next several days.

I'll have plenty of material after the weekend.

Official Prediction

Ohio State - 24
Texas - 20

Last year the best QB led his team to the victory. This year will be no different.

Signs Signs Everywhere a sign

2006-08-31T13:52:00.000-05:00

In keeping with the time-waster theme of this here blog, here’s a little fun with the Churchies. I know I can’t be the only one who thinks about changing the lettering around on the sign in the front yard of the neighborhood church. Maybe the only thing that stops us from doing so is LightningBoltFromHeavenophobia. Here’s away to say what you want with out too much fear of Wrath. I did a few just to get started. Enjoyeth.

Ripping off real blogs

2006-08-30T14:38:00.000-05:00

I need to get up earlier to catch the worm. I’m new to this blogging thing so I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on myself. But a couple of the points I’m about to touch on have already appeared on such notable sites as DeadSpin and a SkunkBear site. I need a crack staff. Or maybe just crack.

Item one: Can we please over-promote a true freshman again? Beanie Wells should be good, maybe even great. Coach T says he’s even quicker now than in the spring or even early fall. So, I know, let’s make statue out of him and sell it. Better yet throw a bunch of Buckeyes on his helmet. It could only be better if that statue could be put on the cover of Sports Illustrated.

Item next: mmmmm Football flavored cereal. It’s true, we as Buckeye fanatics will buy, wear, or eat anything if it scarlet and gray. Sounds a lot like Honey Nut Cheerios to me. Try to be the first to open the box because for a limited time everyone comes with a jock-strap.

Item Last: For the discerning visual pallet. Make your own original masterpiece under the watchful eye of Jesus. Put a picture of Grandma, Aunt Midge, Your Favorite Football Coach or Donald Trump. Whomever. This is genius with a capital G. I’m buying one, particularly if I can get it on black velvet. Pictured here is Jesus’ favorite brown dog.

Wood Shed?

2006-08-29T08:10:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to get pretty geeked about the upcoming college football season. This is by far the best sports season to me. It’s the pageantry of the whole thing. It's that every game counts! If Ohio State takes a nap against Northern Illinois, it's probably over. Oh the pressure.

Periodically, I'll cruise by the University of Texas message boards to see where their heads are about the second game of the season when tOSU visits Austin. I was pretty surprised at what I found. (Read I couldn't have been more shocked if I woke up with my face stapled to my pillow.)

Let's put this in perspective first. Ohio State is preseason ranked #1 in the country. Vegas started the betting line around 3 points in favor of Texas. The line is now down to a basic "pick 'em." We are likely looking for a pretty good game, no? So you might think. These posters on the http://www.orangebloods.com/ site are looking for a 17 –30 point Longhorn victory. 30 points?! Are you shitting me? Granted, Texas is the reigning National Champ, which is awesome for them. But rolling over a team like Ohio State like that is HIGHLY unlikely.

This is how I view Big 12 fans in general. They’re very confident, nay over-the-top cocksure to say the least. I've never been able to pull this off. I'm too nervous to be that confident. Do I think the Bucks can win in Austin? No question. But to call for an ass-whoopin like that is not something I can make myself do. I also see this out of fans of Texas Tech, A&M, Oklahoma, (except for you, JB) all of them really.

That's too far to fall if things don't go my way. Predict a beating like that and then lose, YOUCH!

I'll try to put that game on the back burner for a week. Good luck, right?

Oh no you didn't!

2006-08-26T10:14:00.000-05:00

So I've seen this guy do this easily a half of a dozen times. One time I hollered across the bar at him to stop but him paid me no attention. He's a double dipper. In public no less. It's one thing to double dip at home. I'll even champion that effort myself. But in public?

Ok, so this dude, whom I have no name other than the Double Dipper goes into the same bar I do. Every time I see him he'll have a drink or two and make his way toward the bathroom. On the way he'll make a pit stop at the little happy hour buffet that the proprietors are kind enough to provide. DD will stand there in broad daylight and take a tortilla chip and dip it straight into the big thing of salsa. Questionable already, but passable. Then he’ll take a bite and put the remaining piece of the chip back in the salsa for another helping.

I lost it last night when I saw this happen AGAIN. After DD went to the bathroom, probably not washing his mitts, he reentered the bar area. Where I was lying in wait. I squared up to him and gently poked a finger in his chest and said.

"When you took that chip and took a bite and then put it back in the salsa, did you ever consider that someone else might like to have some."

This was met with a blank stare, almost looking away like my dog does when being scolded. Then some blinking.

"So you are a double dipper. You put food in your mouth, then take it out and commingle it with other people’s food. What is wrong with you?"

He walked away after saying nothing. I felt better but was shaking a little bit from the adrenaline rush created by the confrontation.

I hope he learns something. If not, I tried.

Your membership in the 9 -- REVOKED!

2006-08-24T11:26:00.000-05:00

Poor poor Pluto. All it ever did as a “planet” was hang around your anus, er I mean Uranus. It’s just this little latecomer to the Planet Party, doin’ its thing way out there in its gigantic orbit. Now these know-it-all astronomers say it is nothing more than a “Dwarf Planet.” Maybe they should stick to telling me when Mercury is in retrograde for the Pisces man or what the heck it means when the moon is in the 10th house. (That could be astrology, so never mind)

Pluto probably should have seen it coming. Its discovery in 1930 was pretty forced anyway. Folks were looking for a ninth planet and when some cat named Lowell decided that this icy little rock was it. It has a funky-assed orbit that crosses the path of Neptune and it kinda wobbles like tire with out all its lug nuts. This makes Neptune the farthest planet from the sun for 20 years every 248. Not a good way to impress the neighbors.

Schoolbooks and the teachers who rely on them are ruined. Get the White Out ready. Useless too are the cute little mnemonics we used to learn the order of the planets. “Mr. Vigoda Eagerly Made Justine Saddle Up Nine Ponies.” What the hell is Justine going to do now?

Truthfully, I couldn’t care less. It’s no skin off my nose. I think, however, it is a very funny visual imagining the eggheads at the International Astronomical Union (IAU) having “years of intense debate.”

Is not!

Is too!

Dork!

Four-Eyes!

Shut up!

Infinity!

Damn.

Make that out to...

2006-08-22T07:57:00.000-05:00

The other day we were lounging around the pool enjoying the Texas heat of a thousand suns with some friends. My lovely wife was telling some of them about this blog. “He writes stories, and mostly about the Buckeyes.” I disagreed, as I thought I sprinkled in much more variety, if not just outright scatter shooting. So the results are just in and it turns out that only about 25% of the entries are indeed about the Bucks. Not that there isn’t enough material to fill up blogs for a month of Sundays, but I didn’t and don’t want this to be one of those. Mainly because that would mean we’d have to get into the X’s and O’s of football. I can hang in that type of conversation up to the point where I fall asleep or drive the car in to a bridge abutment. Now having said all that, in the absence of some help from my muse or some other brainstorm, the Buckeyes are the mama to which I run home.

This is one of those days.

It could only mean a few things when a college football team gets nearly 30,000 people to a late evening practice like OSU did yesterday.
- There’s nothing going on in Columbus on a Monday night in the summer.
- It’s in the ‘Shoe and people look for any reason to go to the Ohio’s version of the Western (Wailing) Wall.
- Overrated or not the Buckeyes are on top of every preseason poll
- FREE AUTOGRAPHS.

These people are conducting tailgating and grilling practice. They are also playing a game, which really desperately needs a new name. Cornhole.

"It was 5:40 p.m., and the event was the Ohio State football team’s autograph session and open practice. It looked like a game day, with tailgaters and cornhole games and smoke wafting up from grills."

(We have the same game and call it Baggo. It may not be a great name but it so much less fecal than the other.)

If in Columbus, I don’t think I would have attended this practice and signing session but it certainly is a signal of just how close the greatest season of the year is from starting.

We are only 11 days from game one. I’m so excited…..And nervous.

You’re a Nut Job….Mkay?

2006-08-18T12:46:00.000-05:00

Did anyone think that this pencil-necked freak looks like Mr. Mackey from South Park? What a freaking creepy looking guy. It looks like there is evil behind those eyes, even if he did what he is claiming or not. I’m starting to have my doubts whether he had any thing to do with the murder of JonBenet Ramsey too.

Seems that the Boulder District Attorney is non-plussed by his confession. Factual errors and such have many people wondering if John Karr is the murderer or just a generic non-murdering pedophile that has a horribly unhealthy obsession with the decade old slaying of a little girl.

For a moment let’s assume he didn’t do it. What is it about people who confess to things like this that they didn’t do? I think it happens often. I would find another way to get some attention. Streaking. Paging oneself in the airport over and over again. Protesting at the White House about the poor treatment of the Alien Visitors while wearing a foil lined colander. Run for governor of Minnesota or Texas.

I hope this guy did do it. It would take the heat of the family and let the little girl rest in peace. I also hope that the collection of Deputies Barney Fife and Enos Strate at the Boulder PD haven’t screw the pooch so bad on this thing that they’ll never find the truth.

Three yards and a cloud...

2006-08-17T16:08:00.000-05:00

I realize that I might be on some ticklish ground here but I saw these Jesus Athletic Statues and it was clear to me that I must comment. I mean, come on! Look at these. They are begging for a “Your Caption Here” space.

If Jesus were on my relay team, I think I’d let him have the anchorman position. Seems likely that even in the “Jerusalem cruiser” sandles that he would have the best 100 or 400 meter time. Number 2, Little Bobby believes that there is an “I” in team. What’s the little girl doing? I think she is about to be Zola Bud to Jesus’ Mary Decker.

He’s nothing if not versatile sort of like Renaldo Nehemiah, only a lot holier and Son of God-ish. Don’t tell me that that is Little Bobby again. Thou shall not try to arm tackle Jesus, especially since He seems to be pretty fast and has a good handle on the Power I. I think He's been chatting with Woody up there, because now days with the West Coast offense, passing is way more popular. Notice no grass stains on his clothes. He’s a good scrambler.

There are more, like Jesus Hockey Guy, Basketball and Soccer. Talk about low hanging fruit.

I’ll let you have some fun too.

Coverphobia

2006-08-16T12:31:00.000-05:00

I intended to get on here to bitch about the Buckeyes being on the cover of the latest Sports Illustrated. You know, the “SI Jinx” and all? Now, I’m not sure where to start, but I do have a few thoughts on the subject.

First, what is SI thinking when they sell the same issue of a magazine with SIX different covers? As if I don’t know. I do believe it will sell magazines. But does it have anything to do with the “SI Jinx?” I seriously doubt that anyone at SI would openly capitulate to the idea that what happens after a cover is printed is predicated on the actual cover. Openly. Nonetheless there are five other teams that appear on these regional covers: Notre Dame (blech), USC (blech) Texas, LSU and WVU. This fact is known; all of these team can’t win the whole enchilada.

Secondly: So there are 6 groups of fans around the country right now that are crying about their team being Jinxed by the evil-doers at SI. Sports Illustrated states that in the 2600 some odd covers they’ve had, somewhere in the neighbor hood of 37% have demonstrable misfortune or decline in performance following a cover appearance. The vast majority of these failures were on the individual level like golfers, tennis players, drivers, boxers and the like. When we are talking about College Football and the preseason preview I’d be surprised if the primary team on the cover won the Championship 10% of the time. Vegas odd for the preseason is rarely going to be below 3:1, so the team on the cover is bound to fail. Right? Right.

Thirdly: Jinx Schminx. Even though Ohio State Football has been on four SI covers (prior to this one) in their college preview issue and hasn’t won the championship that year, I stand here unwavering. These were usually after a year when we did win it all or came very close. These years were also not complete failures. Mostly these seasons OSU had just one loss and very high finishes in the final poll.

Having said all that, in my mind, this year’s SI College Preview is this one. GO BUCKEYES.

First Interracial Kiss on TV

2006-08-15T15:24:00.000-05:00

Captain Kirk and Lt. Uhura, William Shatner and Nichelle Nichols respectively, swapped spit in an episode of Star Trek making TV history. I think about Lt. U often these days when I see people in public with their Blue-tooth phone thingies hanging out of their ear. I've stopped trying to tell each one of them that they look ridiculous.

So back to Bill Shatner. Can you believe this guy? Once considered by far the cheesiest guy on TV, for his hammish overacting portrayals of Captain Kirk and the T.J. Hooker. Shatner has been selected for induction into the Television Hall of Fame and consistently recieves Emmy nominations every year for his role as Denny Crane in Boston Legal. He'll also be roasted on Comedy Central later this week. I'm not sure how this happens. I guess he changed, because we all couldn't, could we?

“Remember-you can't beam through a force field. So, don't try it.” -- William Shatner.

That about sums it up, don't ya think?

Poor Bomar - No Respect

2006-08-14T15:12:00.000-05:00

I don't mean to pick on Rhett Bomar, former Oklahoma Sooner QB, but dammit it's tough not to. Turns out he may not have taken as much money as originally reported for his no-show job at a Norman auto dealer. So this make him an even bigger dumbass. Jeopardizing a potentially lucrative NFL career for less than the cash it would take to buy a used Buick Skylark. Idiot!

This picture makes me laugh.

More on Mo Clarett (pardon the pun)....an Ohio Judge is ordering a psychological exam to determine whether or not Clarett esta loco en la cabasa. Um, Your Honor, if it pleases the court, I can save you some time. HE'S A FREAKING LUNATIC. Take it to the bank, bang the gavel and let's hit the cafeteria before the green beans get mushy.

My Favorite Wine

2006-08-11T15:07:00.000-05:00

"I want to go to Miami Beach" Ok, seriously.

Way back when, on game day, to go with our Cheez-whiz in a can we’d fill our wineskins or bota bags with M/D 20/20. Clearly the worst wine ever, but at least it was cheap. At about 2 bucks a pop back then, it was right up a poor college student’s alley. This nasty stuff now comes in eleventeen different flavors. In my day; two. Grape with a hint of nightmarish vomiting and a touch of kill-me-now-before-I-jump-off-the-roof headaches. And Lemon-Lime – only for the professional and you had to sign a waiver at the 7-11.

All this to say that I wouldn’t have thought that I would do what I did yesterday. I ordered a case of nice wine on-line. My wife and I had a couple of glasses at a restaurant and loved it. I’m not sure why, but nobody in the area carries. Even the winery is out. I found some 2002 Folie a Duex Cabernet at some online wine store out of Los Angeles. It wasn’t terribly expensive but the thought of identifying, locating and buying a case of wine seems so freaking far from throwing up purple madness on my tennis shoes 20 years ago.

This wine term makes me giggle – Cork Taint

Hmmm, it must be happy hour somewhere. Ahoy! Cocktails on the horizon, Captain.

See you Monday

Rules For Buckeye Fans

2006-08-10T13:38:00.000-05:00

This list is not my original work though I'd like to claim much of it. I'm partial to the section spelling out when it is OK to shed a tear. More so, is the "Rest easy Woody, the New man has arrived." Which if memory serves is an actual quote from Keith Jackson after the Buckeyes took the National Championship away from Miami in the Fiesta Bowl. It still gives me goose bumps.

This list is longish, thankfully I don't pay for the server space. Go BUCKS! O-H!

- Never agree to get married on a Saturday Ohio State is scheduled to play football. There are typically 40 other freakin' weekends to choose from...make her/him choose one of those!
- Never attend a wedding during an Ohio State football game unless you carry a TV......and watch it even during the ceremony.
- It is OK to wear an OSU football jersey even when old....and fat....and bald. Extra points if you've got an OSU baseball cap on backwards.
- Always, and I mean ALWAYS, return any "O...H" with a hearty "I...O." This is true even during funerals, sex, in foreign countries or when witnessing the birth of your child.
- When Notre Dame plays Michigan, it is mandatory to despise both teams. There are no winners. Except the ambulance.
- You despise the following teams equally after scUM: Michigan,ND, USC, Miami (that's Florida), and Bama, FSU
- It is OK to be emotional (and even "tear" up) during the following:
* Script Ohio
* Your child's first Buckeye game
* Carmen Ohio
* During a Tressel speech
* Listening to "I want the Buckeyes"
* Remembering Woody
* After beating Michigan
* Winning the National Championship
* Hearing the phrase, "Rest easy Woody, the new man has arrived."
* Ramp entrance
- Never listen to Brett Musberger or Keith Jackson on TV. It's okay to watch the game while listening to 1460 on the radio.
- Always provide a loud “Go Bucks” when NFL Buckeyes state on MNF that they are from "THE" Ohio State University.
- It is not cool to make fun of the Neutron Man. Especially now that he is watching games with Woody.
- Buckeye necklaces must be worn at all times on game day from the time you leave your place of abode until you return.
- Always take off your hat during Carmen Ohio and physically remove the hats of anyone in your vicinity who fails to do so.
- Everyone should rush the field after an OSU home victory over Michigan at least once in their lifetime. (Extra kudos for those of you who rushed the field at IU and tore down THEIR goalposts a few years ago...c'mon you know who you are!).
- Attending Skull Session is mandatory at least once each season.
- ESPN employees must be verbally taunted at every opportunity.
- We must all pray that the next president of OSU has more of a clue than the present one.
-When you die, you must have at least one item of Buckeye memorabilia with you. (Specify which one in your will, that way your spouse won't pick something stupid).
- You must be willing to die to defend your right to drink beer during tailgates.
- You are forbidden to fall for the National Media crap sandwich that Joe Pa is still a "good guy." In reality, he is a bitter, senile old man reduced to a cheerleader and referee-baiter.
- Recruiting must be followed as intensely as any game. This is true even if it puts your job/career at risk.
- Attend the Spring Game. It makes it easier to survive the summer.
- When in church, it is not sacrilegious to count being a Buckeye as one of your blessings.
- Try to never boo a former or current Buckeye football player.
- When making fun of guys in marching bands always caveat your comments with a statement that, regardless of what you just said, anyone in TBDBITL is very cool.
- Admit that secretly, you wished you played tuba and could dot the "i." (Like my Dad did) You'd even be willing to put on a few dozen pounds to look the part. (Like my Dad did, sorry Dad couldn't help it.)
- You would not trade the opportunity to swill beer while listening to The Danger Brothers after an OSU victory over Michigan for tickets to any rock band that has ever existed.
- It is important to consider the "good old days" ARE NOW. Enjoy them even when OSU doesn't win the National Championship.
- Scarlet and Gray always works. Maize and Blue is always gay. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
- Drinking alcohol before 9:00 A.M. is, at best, immature, and likely, a sign of a serious problem. Except on game day.
- It is never ok to talk to a stranger at the urinal next to you unless he is dressed in OSU garb. That said, the topic should be limited to Buckeye football.
- There are no bad seats in OHIO Stadium.If you attend a game at Wisconsin, you must never engage in "Jump Around" at the end of the third quarter no matter how tempting.
- If your wife asks you what was the greatest night of your life, admit the truth that it was January 3, 2003.
- Plant a Buckeye tree in your yard.
- Hang a Buckeye flag on game day. If any of your neighbors counter with a Michigan flag, it is your solemn duty to tear it down and deface it anyway you see fit.
- It is "ok" to not get the drum major thing; it is "not ok" to fail to cheer when the plume touches the field.- In honor of Woody, the principle of "paying forward" should be practiced at all times by all Buckeyes.

Hey Mo! Nyuk Nyuk

2006-08-09T08:29:00.000-05:00

Isn’t it sad how poor Maurice Clarett is being treated these days? Don’t Columbus’ Finest know that this kid is a star, a celebrity with rights and privileges not afforded to pedestrian shit-breathers like you and me? Where’s the love?

All my boy Mo did this time was….
· Make an illegal U-turn
· Headed out I-70 trying to outrun the cops.
· Another illegal U-turn on the highway.
· Damaged some city property when he bent some of the police spike strips with all four of his tires.
· Needed to be forcibly removed from his SUV after he refused to get out once stopped.
· Made the coppers use their mace on his crazy eyes.
· Kicking and screaming like a little bitch in the paddy wagon.
· Oh and possessing 4 (FOUR! QUATRO!) loaded weapons in the car and wearing a bullet proof vest.

Easy does it folks. Who hasn’t been there? Poor li'l Mo is the victim. If Jim Tressel would’ve just let Mo run roughshod over the OSU football program like he wanted, he wouldn’t be in this pickle right now. Of course the program would be in shambles and we’d be looking down the barrel of the NCAA Death Penalty, but if we could save just one kid isn’t it worth it? Isn't that what we are here for?

What was he preparing for? War? Four loaded weapons and a bulletproof vest? What the…..?

Two parting thoughts:

Maurice Clarett has lost whatever mind he had.

Jessica Simpson looks good in this dress

Open wide please

2006-08-07T14:16:00.000-05:00

I have a new Ex-dentist because this guy scared me. He was nice enough and didn’t hurt me but he did say something shocking. I would’ve walked out right then but he and the hygienist sort of had me cornered. So what did he say?

“You can request tooth-colored filling material for your teeth, but I recommend Silver Amalgam. It’s much better.”

Let’s pretend for a second that there are no studies about this product at all. Cuz, there are. Why would anyone want to have a concoction of materials sitting in their mouth for eons that is more than 50% Mercury? The same kind of Mercury that is one of the most toxic materials on earth? If you spill more Mercury than would be contained in a standard thermometer, the EPA says you have to contact the State Environmental authorities, if it’s a tablespoon or two, call the Feds. Remember “Mad as a Hatter?” It refers to mercury poisoning that was common amoung hat makers who used it to for making chapeaus. So tell me again why it’s ok to store this crap in my cake-hole.

Note: I think it is pretty clear why they’re called “Silver Filling,” because they probably wouldn’t sell very well if they were called Mercury Poisoning Fillings)

I know I have a choice not to get the silver fillings when the time comes. What really bugged me about this dentist is that he is STILL recommending them. As if enough doubt hasn’t been cast to just stop using them and go with something else. Oh, to be sure you will find studies stating that nothing has ever been found counter-indicating the use of Mercury fillings. There loads to the contrary too. But if it doesn’t come from the ADA or the FDA they don’t count with most dentists. I wouldn’t expect much to come from the ADA on the subject since they invented the filling material. Imagine the lawsuits that would be filed if the ADA came out and said, “oops, sorry, we been poisoning you and you kids for years and years. Please don’t be mad at us.”

I’ve got more to say about this and Dentists in general, but will rest for now.

Please pass the Syrup

2006-08-07T09:49:00.000-05:00

Funnel Cakes are apparently not just for the State Fair and toothless carnies anymore. IHOP is promoting the hell out of these on radio and TV. Funnel Cakes? For breakfast? Holy moly, are you kidding? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not pretentious food guy or the healthiest eater around but this is not a part of your healthy breakfast. Further than that, they should probably come with a warning label. “Eating funnel cakes any more than once every year or two, especially for breakfast at IHOP, will cause you to wear stretch pants 3 sizes too small, store your washer and dryer on the front porch of the double wide and believe the WWE Wrastlin' is real.”

I’m not saying that IHOP is irresponsible, but I’d like to introduce them to RJ Reynolds. Maybe they can come up with some new products together. Perhaps the “IHOP Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity, flavored Kiddie smokes.” Try the Strawberry!

Scumbag Boosters and Greedy Boys

2006-08-04T09:09:00.000-05:00

Man o' man does this kind of shit scares me. In case you don't know Rhett Bomar, QB for the Oklahoma Sooners, was busted, cut and publicly flogged by his coach after availing himself of the illicit offerings of a over-zealot booster. Tony Soprano’s boys call it a no-show job. Pretty nice gig actually. You get paid loads of cash, at least by the standards of a 20 year old kid, to stay home. Oh, and there is a car allowance too? Sweet. Hey Dumbass! You’re going to make millions of dollars a year if you can just keep your head out of your ass.

The reason it scares me is that there are dumb asses like this at every school. At any D-1 school you’ll find at least a handful of shortsighted morons whose sense of self-entitlement out weighs any amount of couth, moxie or common sense that God gave a flaming bag of shit. I’d like to be able to grab every Ohio State player by their heavily starched, custom made collar and say, “See this Oklahoma jackass? Learn something from him and keep your hands in your pockets instead of out in front of you palm-up waiting for some scumbag alumni to line it with Benjamin’s! Get it?” Hopefully my boy Tressel will take care of that. Though I think it’s likely that he enters the building on the opposite side from the players. He drives a ’92 Ford Ranger; he wouldn’t want to be shown up by the kid’s cars.

Being Avis would be better…

2006-08-03T14:38:00.000-05:00

At least when it comes to AP pre-season NCAA Football rankings. Here’s a stat for you – Only eight teams since 1950 have captured the (mythical) national title who also started the year ranked #1. One team, Oklahoma, nabbed four of those championships. That’s less than a 15% chance of essentially going wire to wire. Though I don’t know if any of those teams fell out of the top spot only to gain it back later. I’ll leave that level of research to someone else.

So imagine my consternation when every college football prognostication mag in the country has the Buckeyes pre-season number 1. I think they can win it all this year too, but damn. If I feel it, doesn’t the pressure of being ranked #1 have to be felt on the team. These kids have to watch ESPN or read the local papers, to be sure. How does a coach keep his players from getting a big head and overlooking the details? Details like blocking assignments and bitch slapping teams your supposed to like NIU while still getting up for games again Texas and the transvestite hookers from Ann Arbor. I’m sure there is generic coach speak to answer this question. ‘Our kids focus on the little things and play as a team….blah blah blah’ I want answers! We’re a little over 3 weeks away from the opening game and I’m nearly apoplectic.

Ohio State has one thing that will keep me from the ledge. Two words – Jim F-ing Tressel. He must be a freaking unbelievably calming and leveling force on this team. He’s coached this team to a National Championship through umpteen games with victory margins thinner than water soup. He’ll deliver. Why do we need to worry that we only have 2 returning starters on the defensive squad? Pshaw. He’ll reload that sucker. That 2002-03 team didn’t have a bunch of household names on defense. There were some awesome freshmen to be sure but unproven nonetheless.

Ok. I’m better now.
I’m probably not going to get into the Xs and Os and two deeps but I’ll definitely be weighing in often about the Buckeyes.

Handshakes

2006-08-02T15:03:00.000-05:00

So who’s the wuss?

I use this company down the street mainly because they are close to our company and they are also a smallish, family-ish run business. The kind I like to support. The sales rep, that was lucky enough to be standing there when I walked in with our company’s wallet wide open, who literally didn’t nothing for the commission but open the door, bugs the shit out of me. I should’ve known what to expect when she – and no that’s not why – shook my hand the first time. You’ve heard people refer to a limp handshake as a “dead fish?” Dead fish around the globe are flopping over and gasping for air so that they can say, “hey what the….” This is one really crappy handshake. I magine if you were to try to grip a handful of smoke, well this is one step better than that. I’m pretty sure there is blood pumping in that hand, which I guess the smoke can’t boast. I’d like to say something to her, but given her handshake, I’m afraid of hurting her feelings.

It’s more than the grip. Regardless of their importance, if my requests are small they can be ignored. Right? Hogwash! I’ve made a dozen small requests of these people and I feel like they are ignoring me. So I call and let them know them missed one or two. Then the miss them again and I call. You see where this is going. Call, Goof, Call, Goof. It’s a pain in the ass. I should drop them, but they’ve kind of have me over a barrel. The reason we use them is because they handle a new and quickly growing business segment. Switching to another provider would really muck things up and cost us dearly. And by “dearly” I mean CASH. So for now, I’m resigning myself to be the complaining customer who looks like he’s nitpicking.

I know this is not an earth-shattering problem, but it’s my blog so I’ll cry if I want to.

So...Big Gulps Huh?

2006-08-01T09:58:00.000-05:00

I’ve never really thought of myself as one with a ton to say. But then I realized that that is just plain silly. Everyone has something to say. I’m relatively smart and moderately witty so why not trot out some musings. (Or blatant rip-offs of other’s stuff if I’m having a particularly slow mind day.)

I’m the Dallas, Texas area and it’s hotter than two rats humpin’ in a wool sock. I mean damn hot. We got no water and nary a prospect of rain in the long-range forecast. There’s some crappy fungus growing in our reservoirs that makes the drinking water smell like it came out of a boar’s ass and taste twice as bad. Everyone’s yards are drying up because we can’t water but 1 day a week. I don’t have to mow my lawn anymore; instead I can just go out and kick the grass over. Oh, and the ground is cracking, I mean like two inch cracks in the dirt. I saw a Chinaman blinking back at me in one.

It’s f-in’ hot but I’m not sure I want to get into a discussion of global warming. First it kinda makes my brain power-down. The political hot-button nature of the argument is off-putting. The scientist claim that it’s WAY hotter than decades before and the ice caps are melting, seems like they would know, right? On the other hand, how much faith can we put into the temperature readings from the years 238 or 691? When Maximinus Thrax was kicking the shit out of Carthage did he know what the temp was, or barometric pressure? Or did he just know that it was hot enough to melt the Fuller brush on the top of his helmet. I’ll leave it to the scientists, Al Gore and the powers that be to reauchambeau for it.

Ok on second thought, maybe I don’t have any thing to say. I’ll continue to say nothing here when I come up with nothing.

Counting down to College Football. A